Why so silent?

To be completely honest, I’m literally forcing myself to write this one. Not that I don’t want to write, but my schedule here at the meditation commune, doesn’t allow any time for me to do so. I can certainly give up on some sleep to write, which I need more of while I’m here; and I was definitely guided to do so. I trust someone needs this right now or else existence wouldn’t work through me this way.
I’d like to apologize in advance, if this one seems a bit snappy, as I’m a bit irritated, which may certainly show up in this blog post. Why am I irritated? Well, I can’t really point out one specific reason, as a lot of unknown suppressions come up to the surface during catharsis mediations for me. But there is one specific topic that calls to me today, so I’ll concentrate on that – SILENCE! 

Silence has a very special place in my journey. Personally, I love to chat but I’ve come to realize that I actually fell in love with ‘Silence’, when I fell in love with a person, a few years ago. It’s quite obvious that God needed me to understand the language of silence. Silence, is beautiful, it’s language is deep and profound. I feel blessed to have found it but I gotta be honest; it sometimes irritates me! Not the silence itself per se, but the intention behind it. 

When silence happens as a natural process, it’s blissful, calming, quiet. And when silence is forced, it’s ugly, anxious, noisy! But why would silence be forced? Well, it’s a thing. A way of controlling an outcome. You know, we human beings are such a bunch of egotistical beasts, we can’t have true faith. We can’t accept that there is a force bigger than ourselves, beyond our control. I call it the life force. Sometimes, we choose silence to force an outcome but what we hope to achieve, rarely ever happens. And if it does, it’s not what we expected at all. Yet we don’t learn and keep retreating to our old ways of trying to control life.
In short, we can’t be innocent like children. A child never thinks before he speaks. He says what he wants to. He has no fear of being judged. There is authenticity in his expression, godliness in his authenticity. Are you ever offended with the words of a child? Even if they’re sour? 

So I ask, why can’t we clearly speak what we feel? I may know why. Because we ‘think’ we will be judged for the way we feel. It’s only a perception, not reality. But our ego won’t let us see the illusion of the perception. The other reason is that we aren’t even in touch with what we truly feel because we haven’t learnt to give our feelings any weight. Our ego is so focused on how others see us, that unless we break through it considerably, we are only living for others. Aren’t we living according to how others will perceive us? It’s not our life at all and we are fools thinking we are in control. I ask also, why do we need to control our lives?

If we want something; why can’t we say it without a fear of the outcome? If we need time, why can’t we say it, without knowing the outcome? If we don’t want something; why can’t we say it, without fearing hurting the other? Their hurt is their journey, their problem. By holding ourselves back from authentically expressing our truth, we also hold back the other’s journey. The hurt, the pain may be exactly what they need to grow but we think we know better. We think we are accumulating good karma by suffering ourselves and not hurting the other. Clearly, the universe doesn’t see it that way. The universe only sees how we are holding up another’s journey, another’s growth. 

I used to be married. For a long time, I was unhappy but I ‘thought’ that if I left him, he’d die. So I stayed longer than I should’ve. When I ultimately spoke my truth, followed my heart and left him; much to my surprise, he didn’t die. In fact he became stronger. I couldn’t see the bigger picture from my small eyes of my small self while I was in it.
We are so conditioned to complicate our own lives. What’s the worst that could happen if we speak our truth? We don’t get what we want, what we desire. That’s all. The way I see it, this ain’t bad at all. Nothing is lost. We may end up getting what’s better than that which we wanted through our small selves. Have you ever thought of this? What’s terrible in fact, in my opinion, is the pain we continue to put ourselves through instead. 

Everything looses its charm, it’s meaning, it’s worth, when overdone, even silence! Let me share a story of a disciple & his master in this context. Once upon a time there was a newly initiated disciple to a very strict master. Upon initiation, the master told the disciple, ‘Your journey of silence begins from now. Let’s see how long you can wait!’ It is an age old tradition for masters to test the patience of their disciples. The disciple was aware of this and replied, ‘okay, let’s see how long you can wait too!’ The master remained silent for an entire life time as the disciple evolved though silence.
Not just through one lifetime, but the awakened master had to keep incarnating, just for this disciple again and again. The disciple never asked, the master never spoke. The master began to loose patience instead. He was irritated that he had to keep coming back to life just for one disciple. After all, he was responsible for his disciple, to hand over the key to enlightenment! 

Then one day the master spoke. He called upon his disciple and handed him the key. The disciple smiled and said, ‘is that all? I can wait more. Can’t you wait?’ The master was shocked and said, ‘what are you made of? It has been so many lives. I know you can wait but I’m tired of coming back again and again just to give you the key. Here, take it and free me.’ The disciple laughed and said, ‘it has been so long that silence itself has taught me all there is to know. I don’t need the key from you. I have already found it.’ The master’s head hung down in despair and he said, ‘I was afraid this would happen some day. You won’t need the key anymore. That is why I decided to break the silence.’ 

The silence of the master was forced. It was a disguised form of the ego. He thought he was controlling the evolution of his disciple. But in the end his karma & his dharma remained unfulfilled. On the other hand, the silence of the disciple was a happening. It was blissful. He had dropped all control. In fact it wasn’t in his control and he understood this from the start. He evolved without the words of his master. His dharma and his karma was fulfilled on its own. 

Sometimes it happens, silence happens on its own. When silence isn’t forced, it happens on its own, between two beings. Then no words are needed, then telepathic communication can happen. And there is no misunderstanding in such deep states of consciousness communication. But to get there, fear, doubt; the illusions of the ego must drop first. 

So to sum up, I say, speak. Speak like a child does. Then no matter what you say, it can’t offend. Speak without a fear of the outcome. Be authentic. Be true to yourself and yourself alone. Un-complicate your life. Don’t beat around the bush. Whatever it is, good or bad, is not for us to judge. In fact there is no good, no bad; no right, no wrong. All there is, is the intention behind the words. Not the words themselves. Because words are meaningless.
Words become meaningful when silence becomes meaningless. So be intentionally direct. Intentionally straight forward. And by that I don’t mean intention towards the other. I mean intention towards the self. The intention of authenticity. If you Love, speak it or If you hate, speak it & If you want, speak it or If you don’t want, speak it & If you’re angry, speak it & If you’re irritated, speak it & If you’re jealous, speak it. I say again, fear is an illusion, doubt is an illusion & pain is an illusion too. Then why so silent?   

Recently, my amazing mother, came to visit me at the commune. This distinction between forced silence & a naturally happening silence became a reality; a realization really. For many months now, in fear of my mother’s judgement; I had been silent about a truth of my present existence. It was a forced silence. Also she had been silent with me about me. Then when she was here I told her that i wanted to donate to the commune and become a resident member, which allows me to spend upto 5 months a year for the entirety of my life span, within this Buddha field. Surprisingly, she didn’t even blink an eyelid before saying, ’Go ahead, you earn for your experiences.’ There was no judgement.

So I asked her, ’why aren’t you reacting?’ She then shared with me that for the past year since my Sanyas, She had faced alot of opinionated friends and family, who didn’t have the balls to ask me. This was in regards to my sanyas initiation. Had I joined a cult? Was I following a sex guru? What about my career? etc etc. I asked her how she dealt with it. She said only one thing after that, ’Now I’ll tell them proudly that yes my daughter is a Sanyasin. I’m proud to have birthed a strong, intelligent and compassionate woman.’
The only fear holding me back from fully exploring my spirituality was gone in a moment. Just like that! She came, she saw, she experienced first hand. She heard what I was being taught here. And she said to swamiji Anand Arun, my guru; ’I’ve given you my daughter. She never belonged to me anyways but now She belongs to Bhagwan. I’m grateful for all the Love she has received here.’ It was an immensely humbling experience.

The Path of enlightenment, the sole destiny of every soul, is one of three love stories. Is one of three distinct merging of consciousness. The first is the beloved. I’m so grateful to my beloved, who opened himself up enough for me to experience a consciousness merging, even just for days. As they say, ’better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Who wouldn’t want a physical union but thats not in my control. It belongs to life.

The second is The Master. As I move into my second full week of silence in Vipassna, to merge deeper in consciousness with my master, talking about the place of speaking and words seemed to call. I guess ’He’ has his ways!

And the final is the merging with God. That is a ways to go for me! Then there are no words!

SO,

Ask, and you shall receive

Jesus Christ