This morning, chilling with my bestie, she said to me, ‘I tell you to do so many things, like make tarot videos for the public & write blogs, write a book; because I know you, your gifts, talents and I love you. Why don’t you ever tell me what to do?’ I was about to answer, when her 8 year old Son knocked on the door & she asked, ‘who is it?’ He replied, ‘Rajneesh’. That’s not her son’s name. That is my master, Bhagwan’s name. And this kiddo only calls Bhagwan, ‘Acharya’ or ‘Osho’, as his mom refers to her master as well. She looked at me in surprise.
I said to her, as she unlocked the door, ‘the answer to your question is coming from Rajneesh, for ‘I am not’. We laughed. She attended to her son for a few minutes & then I attempted to allow the answer to come through.
‘Why don’t you tell me what to do?’, was her question. The reply that came through, ‘no one can tell you what to do. No one at all! If someone says to you that I’m telling you to do this, that or the other because I love you, I care for you; it is not love. Know that. Because love only accepts as it is. Love is not for what you do, only for what you are in ‘being’. Do nothing at all & love will remain. Love will celebrate all that you do, but will never tell you what to do. If no one can tell you what to do, the question still remains, ‘tell me what to do?’ She listened intently as I allowed the answer to complete itself. ‘There are two ways of approaching life – expansion, which is ‘doing’ & growth, which is ‘being’. Expansion is outward & growth is inward. When we grow inside (vertically) in ‘being’, our own higher self takes us where we need to ‘Show up’ to expand (horizontally) & allows existence to ‘do’ what needs to be done through the ‘being’. It’s called Faith in all that is as it is. It is an intelligence of its own – Tantra!’ Tantra, unlike any other spiritual path, is a Path of ‘doing’ but without the involvement of the ‘I’. It is full of techniques which need to be done, from a space of ‘being’.
Not just an answer for her, this was Bhagwan’s reminder for me too. A culminating validation of a recent awakening.
My recent awakening
A month & a half ago, as a big ego death process began for me, triggered by the final struggle between ‘being’ & ‘becoming’ (ref. Blog post ‘life in surrender’); I started to detach from my own story automatically. I started questioning myself, ‘is there any need to express my ‘play’ of life? Who exactly am I expressing to? And who is expressing when ‘I am not’?’ I was very close to deactivating my social media & retiring into the peace & acceptance I was finding within myself in my own understanding. I understood that there is no need to express outwardly my inner experience of life. It is between me & life, not between my life & the world. But Bhagwan had other plans. Bhagwan says, ‘only when one has totally removed himself, his ‘I’dentity from his story, does one live a story in true freedom. Then one becomes a channel for the truth to be expressed through his ‘being’, no matter the cost’ Because … freedom is really from the ‘idea’ of the self in realizing the true self. That true self is therefore selfless.
Over the past several weeks, I’ve found myself sitting with a question – Does it really take a whole world to tell someone, he has no reason to laugh, celebrate, sing & dance; unless he has ‘done’ something to ‘become’ worthy of expressing it? Celebrating it? The law of manifestation says, live the experience before it manifests & don’t be attached to any outcome.
So who decides what I am worthy of expressing? Then how is that my own life or expression? ‘I am not’, who will decide? Someone else? How is that true freedom? When one has the courage to stand in his own understanding, even if the whole world is against it; all of existence conspires to validate his understanding. There is no right or wrong understanding, there is only individual understanding. And understanding is awareness. Then all one has to ‘do’ is to just show up where he is called & existence takes care of the rest.
Now, does that mean that one is so rigid in one’s understanding, to not be open to surface or superficial ‘self’ change? (as the core true self is not changeable, only realizable & the same in all). No, that is not what it means. On the contrary, no matter how big, one is open to every change because it changes nothing of the true self. And there is no ‘I’ to be rigid. Who will be rigid? Only the motivation for accepting change in this case is different. The motivation is not the self because the self is self less & with surrender one has totally accepted the self and all as it is. It is then beyond the limited self. The motivation – It maybe change required to allow existence to ‘do’ what needs to be done. Or it maybe change just to put a smile on a loved ones face. Or the change maybe for larger collective consciousness reasons. Whatever the motivation, It doesn’t come from a space of needing to become ‘better’, it comes from a space of total acceptance of the nature of the inner & outer worlds. The true self remains unchanged.
My recent awakening has shown me how to just show up & allow the story to be written, no matter the change that must be embraced. One can absolutely learn on the job, as long as he is willing to just show up in faith.
There are no teachers, only students
It is my observation throughout life so far, that everyone seems to know what another should to ‘do’ to ‘become’ worthy & deserving. Everyone has an opinion about everything, as so many seemed to have when I chose the path of Neo Sanyas. I am not for or against any opinion because all opinions stem from individual experiences of one’s past. They are all valid in their rightful place. No opinions are right or wrong, yet one’s opinion is irrelevant to the experience of another. And yesterday’s experience is not today’s reality. Yesterday is memory, today is reality!
So, even in asking another, ‘what should I do?’, one is essentially seeking validation outside of the self. When one stands by his own true understanding of the self (of the selfless self, removing the ‘I’), even if there is no validation from the outside world, that validation comes directly from the universe itself. It comes in the form of signs & synchronicities, and also manifested happenings. The Pathless path unfolds as I walk. Everyone learns what he needs to learn for his individual journey. No two experiences of life are the same. One’s opinion is irrelevant to the other. So I learnt, at the Temple of love, to allow my own understanding to lead the way. For there is no other way.
At the Temple of Love, one of the first lessons I learnt is that I must unlearn everything I know to learn that which aligns me with my own individual path in this collective consciousness. What I unlearnt is the world & what I learnt is my ‘self’! The thing is, there are no teachers. A true master or guru will never accept that he is a teacher. There are no teachers, only students. When one wants to learn, he can learn from anything & anyone. If I sit before a tree, just staring at it everyday, I can learn some profound lessons of life. In watching a seed grow into a plant & then into a tree, the whole circle of life & death can be understood. All of Tantra is in the story of a seed & tree.
There are no teachers, only students. No true master will ever accept he is a master, Yet, a true student will always accept his master as his master. The master wants no praise, he wants no-thing. The disciple wants to praise his master, he wants every-thing for his master. For every-‘thing’ already belongs to the master. The master – a vibrational frequency of the vertical dimension that aligns with one’s inner master. In celebrating the master, the disciple is celebrating him ‘self’, the self beyond the limited self. ⭕️
The ‘show’ must go on
Yes, life & its experiences are just a ‘leela’, a ‘play’, but we are not just spiritual beings. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. That human experience is real, while in human form. Regardless of where one is in consciousness, he feels just like everyone else. The approach & response to that feeling will continuously change, as one’s consciousness evolves.
My best friend from school is a dancer & choreographer of Attakalari & other dance forms. She ‘uses’ her creativity to spread awareness about many social issues. Some 10 years ago, she was in love & soon to be married. Her fiancée travelled to Thailand for his bachelors vacation. He & his friend were waiting for a third friend at the bus station behind a big crowd. When a bus arrived, the crowd was pushed back & the fiancée & his friend fell into a dry concrete fountain head first. The fiancée lost his life instantly, the friend was saved with lifelong serious damage. My friend got the news only 3 hours before a dance performance. Incidentally, one of her best till date as I hear.
I asked her, ‘how did you perform?’ She replied, ‘I danced like a zombie, blank mind. I remember nothing of it. It is better I danced before I grieved though. It somehow helped me to see that life goes on.’ In other words, the show must go on. I asked her, ‘what does it feel like to know that you have no control over life?’ She replied, ‘it’s like living with the weight of a dead man on my shoulders but it makes me fearless towards death too. I realized that death can come at anytime, without warning & nothing of what I’ve done in life will mean anything at all. I have no control over my life’s story.’ As of last year she is happily married 😊 & her wedding was a moment when I was able to reconnect after 20 years with my oldest friends. Where we’re all loved for what we are, not what we do. Anyways …
Essentially, what she was experiencing is a big ego death. I, of course didn’t know that then. An ego death is not much different from death itself. In death the ego dies with the body. In ego death, it dies before the body. One can watch himself dying in ego death. It’s painful, there is grieving too, but on the other side of it, is true freedom. None else are grieving with me though. I grieve my own death & transform to a deathless state of ‘being’. Mortal yes, but death less. When life shows us, we are not in control, ego death is the only response. The realization of that which is bigger than ‘I’. One just surrenders to that which is bigger.
For the past month & a half, my limited self has been grieving my biggest ego death yet. The limited self suddenly feels like the whole world is laughing at it. Mocking it. Yet, because ‘I am not’ in my own story; I’ve been able to laugh with the world too, as I grieve 😊. Somehow, I’ve been somewhere above the pain. Existence has certainly conspired to validate my individual understanding though, by carrying me into a new phase of this journey as I grieved, not even bothering to pick up the pieces of a dead, broken ego. Yet that is what has given me the strength to ‘just show up’ in faith where I’m being called. Thank god, the grieving has finally ended & after the rains, the Sun shines again. ☀️ 😊👍🏻
Life is beyond my control
I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to blog over the next few months, as focus shifts to a book that needs to be completed sooner than later. And I’m so inspired currently. Immensely grateful 🙏🏻. I know nothing about the journey ahead. It is completely unknown territory for me, but Bhagwan has sent a team that knows everything about it. It is their playing ground. So I just show up, in faith with the gifts bestowed upon me by existence itself & learn on the job as I go 😊.
The moment of life & the moment of death – the two most important happenings of any story, is beyond one’s control. The two most important experiences of one’s journey, happens without the involvement of ‘I’. ‘I am not’ in the moments of birth & death. And everything in between is just a ‘play’. For that play, each one of us has been given gifts as mediums to express our human experience. To ‘play’ our part. Because everyone is so focused on writing the story of their ‘I’ themselves, our whole expression becomes utilitarian. We use our ‘I’dentity, our gifts, our whole life, to write the story we want to write. The one we want to control.
For the one who has experienced ego death, ‘I am not’ in my own story, nothing is utilitarian. The one who has seen that the involvement of ‘I’, the ego, isn’t needed for a story to be written, there is no ‘I’, no one to use the gifts, or to use anything to write anything. Yet, a story is being written. Yet the gifts are being shared. Just show up to play the part. When a door opens, enter to show up, when a door closes, exit to show up.
Then I ask myself, ‘but who is showing up?’ To which, there is no answer. It is pure silence 🤫. The end of all questions. Because that which shows up is no-thing & therefore all there is! ⭕️
As this No-thing just shows up at the onset of a humbling 1st major tie up for the ‘We Woman Foundation’, to bring forward a new vision for women’s liberation; In gratitude for the ‘being’ of a friend, who intentionally or subconsciously (I don’t know) encouraged me to get back to the ‘word’. Either ways, the universe certainly used his being to conspire to align me with the story of the ‘word’.
Always in celebration of the Sun ☀️
For a Sunset is always followed by a moonrise.
And after a full moon-night too, there is always a sunrise ⭕️
Vairaag is essentially to ‘be in the world but not of it.’ Engaging with it, yet not belonging to it. Being one’s own colour but not being coloured by anything of any world. Vairaag is to accept everything, enjoy whatever one wants, yet belong to no-thing. One can also call it true freedom. It is experienced differently by different people. Some find vairaag in creativity, some in travel, some in silence inside.
Not another soul, than Shakti herself, proved time & time again that she was love beyond heartbreak. Love beyond shiva himself. Only a play of existence. Only a complete surrender in love & faith. Unless one experiences a desire/want or … transcends the mind that is attached to the experience, it remains. Shakti had only the latter as a choice for many lives. Shakti is a choiceless expression of existence. Brahma had no choice but to create Her. Shiva would not take his soul, his feminine energy back after creation was created. He was fearful to loose the soulless Vairaag that he had found.
Despite Shakti herself as an evidence of a love that’s higher than heartbreak, even after physical union; Shiva never took her to Vairaag with Him. So everytime Shiva ran away to Vairaag, Shakti would find a little more of herself. She found her own Vairaag. In fact she created her greatest gift to mankind, while Shiva was in his Vairaag & she was in hers – Ganesha, the remover of obstacles. Ganesha, a dear friend, who showed up during the first painful experience on my journey. I wondered, we pray to Ganesha at the beginning of a journey. My journey, as I misunderstood at the time, had ended before it even began. Why was Ganesha showing up? 🤷🏻♀️
I befriended Him, to learn the original blueprint of love – ShivShakti ☯️
ShivShakti
Shiva had given away his feminine energy, Shakti, to Brahma to create the Brahman. Or one can call it the soul. Actually there is no soul really. It is only no-thing ness. But whatever it is, it’s nature is of love. When there is love, that love is the soul. The soul is feminine energy. This feminine energy of Shiva, his soul, incarnated in many forms but is essentially Shakti.
When Shiva encountered Shakti, there was a strong connection. Obviously, she held his soul. It must’ve been burdening for Her too. She probably just wanted to return his soul to him. But it was her soul too; a very very big one. The physical can be split, but not the soul. At the soul we are all ‘the one’. But it overwhelmed Shiva. He is a vairaagi, how could he possibly be with her? The illusion of the physical. He ran. And he ran as far as he could. She chased & then she got tired of chasing. So she surrendered to the divine. She found her own Vairaag in silence & meditation – dhyan & gyan. The more she surrendered to the divine, the more Shiva surrendered to love.
When they “united” in physical union, even after that, shiva would run away into Vairaag, leaving Shakti behind. She never stopped him, for love is freedom. During his Vairaag, she found her own individual path, separate from Shiva, one of her own making, much like shiva’s Vairaag but different. In this case – shiva is silence & Shakti is expression. Expressing her creativity, the most exquisite of which is Lord Ganesha – the remover of obstacles, created during one of Shiva’s longest Vairaag. Grateful to walk with Ganesha 😊🙏🏻
Love is eternal. structure don’t last
It is definitely a sad story we see in all the great love stories of the world, yet, something of the original blueprint of love rests in them alone. The Romeo Juliet, the Laila Majnu, The Heer Ranjha, The Sheree Farhad, The Jesus & Mary Magdalene. ‘Not’ RadheKrishna. They are a different story. RadheKrishna are the original blueprint of love in form. They are the solution to the sadness in the other stories. They are the solution to all the pain of love. Not that there is no pain but there is no regrets. Life keeps moving on Vairaag. They are beyond heartbreak together, yet alone. The difference is of playfulness only. A non-serious approach to love. They are love in a deep friendship.
The world always comes between true love – the original blueprint. By the world I don’t mean only people, I mean everything; the structure or its conditionings as well. The world is outside, but there is a whole world inside too. As within, so without. When Rumi says, ‘we need not find love but only remove all the barriers within ourselves that we built to keep it out’ (something to that effect), there is truth in that. There is the soul in that expression of his being, in surrender, in love.
All the other lovers, courageously fought the world & it’s created barriers (conditionings inside first & then manifested outside). Only to establish their love. To give it a structure. They rebelled for the freedom to be together in love. So they failed. Because love cannot fight, it always just surrenders. So the lovers failed, yet, love succeeded.
The thing is, love is eternal, yet it is not designed to last, it is designed only to experience. Love don’t ever die either. Once you love someone, that love never dies, even after one falls in love with someone else. Love only transforms & as it transforms, it also evolves the being to the highest frequency of love. Romantic love, transforms to deep love, and deep love transforms to compassion. Essentially true love cannot be structured in any way, in any relationship. It can only be experienced as a deep friendship free of worldly barriers.
RadheKrishna
Krishna says, ‘He alone wins, who doesn’t want to win.’ Keeping this in mind, the lovers of the greatest love stories lost, because they wanted to win against the world. But love is so soft, so surrendered & so gentle; it cannot fight any strongly defended world – inside a being or outside a being. Yet, ultimately love always wins, because it doesn’t want to win.
RadheKrishna, did not fight for their love. They only celebrated it, sometimes together, mostly physically apart. For separation is only of the physical. There is no separation in one soul. RadheKriahna did not fight for their love. They are not seeking any structure. They are not even seeking to establish their love in any ways of the world. RadheKrishna are only living love in their Vairaag. They only played in love. They understand that all of life is just a play & nothing else. Their love is also just a play. The separation is an illusion of the physical, yet a reality that can be experienced in love.
Although the story of RadheKrishna is only a metaphor expression of the inner world of Krishna, His love story, it holds significant mysteries of the original blueprint of love.
The original blueprint of Love
In the story of RadheKrishna, at one stage, Radha accepts sanyas as her path of Vairaag (freedom). Not too different to Meera, yet one filled with more play, more joy, more freedom. Meera is longing for Krishna, Radha is celebrating Krishna.
Krishna on the other hand is anything but sanyasin. He is play at its finest expression. His Vairaag is in his play. Spontaneous, colourful, all over the place. He is the one who tunes Radha to understand the tunes of his Vairaag, over time; so she can find her own play – her own Vairaag. Her own freedom of being. She finds it in sanyas.
To me it is significant that in this story there is no struggle to structure love. There cannot be because Radha does not exist, except as Krishna’s own inward flow of life. Yet, it only symbolizes that love is not meant to be a struggle. Relationship can be but love is not a struggle. It is meant only to be celebrated, together or alone. Because RadheKrishna are not struggling to establish, to structure anything, they have acceptance, respect & understanding of each other’s Vairaag (path of freedom). When together, they celebrate love in all its expressions, when separate they are an individual expressions of love in their individual vairaag.
The original blueprint of love cannot be found in any relationship. It can be found in some connections. The original blueprint of love is one ☝🏻, yet separate. If love were a home, and the pillars were too close together, the roof would fall down. Also if they are too far apart … but closeness is of the heart, not of the physical. In love but in Vairaag.
Love is the nature of the soul. If one can feel love, the soul is there, somewhere. In the original blueprint, She (regardless of gender) has the soul. She IS the soul. And the soul is the way home in Vairaag (freedom). In the original blueprint, one can have it all – freedom, soul & home. YES, BUT … home only ultimately.
The original blueprint of love – the more she surrenders to the divine, the more he surrenders to love. Love in Vairaag.
Bhagwan says 😊
‘Freedom is of a higher value than love but love is freedom.’ ~Bhagwan
Do you see the paradox? Reality is always beyond duality. The struggle between love & freedom is the gift of structuring love, in which true love is lost – Lost Love. Yet love is freedom & the struggle is only of the mind – the mind is the world. Bhagwan says, ‘experience love, experience companionship, but be a good friend first. Don’t take away another’s freedom, & don’t give away yours. Give love & receive with gratitude whatever you get as love. Love only gives, wants nothing & takes away nothing. Freedom is higher than love but love is freedom.’ ⭕️
When one moves in Vairaag, yet in love; then there is true freedom. Nothing seems to be missing. One feels whole, complete, & at home. No matter where one is. No matter if he is with the one he loves or with himself in the world. Love in Vairaag can be nothing more than a playful friendship, one that is free of the world (inside & outside).
On a little side note, I can’t help but notice that all love great stories originating from the west, lead with the masculine name first & all originating from the East, lead with the feminine name first. There is significance in this. The west is masculine in its approach to life – the Mind. The East is feminine in its approach to life – the soul (no-thing ness). Neither is a balanced approach. Life is beyond the mind & in the nature of the soul – Love. When love is, life is in the now, not in a future, not in a past. But the current structure of the world is based on the western knowledge of the ‘Garden of Eden’ – the fruit of knowledge, without the fruit of life. Life is not in the knowledge (the barriers); life is in the experience of it now, in love in Vairaag. All love stories of the world, fought for their love against the barriers for a future for the love. RadheKrishna played in love now, regardless of a future. The feminine energy holds the soul, and when she leads the energy of a being; soul, home, freedom is all in the same place, not physically – inside of a being. Wherever the being is – whole, complete in itself, engaged in the world, yet not coloured of it – Vairaag.
My Vairaag at the Temple of Love ❤️
Vairaag can be found in a space or activity we find most comfort & peace to be in. It feels like home, yet home is always within. But activities & spaces, human connection can certainly beautify the process. In freedom a being of love can be expressed in its original blueprint; which then unintentionally but surely shifts the surrounding to the original blueprint as well, no matter where the Vairaag takes one.
I found Vairaag in the mystical world always. Travelling to spaces & activities that connect me to that which is beyond the world of structure. For many years, I found it in tarot, stones, pendulums, some astrology. This was the beginning of my path truly connecting to the soul. Later I found Vairaag at the temple of love – in sanyas. A real physically manifested mystical world – my recharging station also my resting space. ‘I will always be in Vairaag. I will always be in sanyas.’ It is a different kinda flight, yet it is the same. Only Vairaag.
My expression of Vairaag
Early on my Sanyas Path, Bhagwan gifted me with the gift of meaningless words, to play around with expressing the inexpressible truth I had found in love in Vairaag ❤️🙏🏻. Mostly through the written word. I played around with poetry & prose. Then a year and a half ago, something stopped me from reading tarot publicly. Actually I stopped myself, in fear of some outside circumstances. I just limited tarot to private readings post that. So I used the past year and a half to pen a book instead, with this new found gift that I’d found. A little over half way through, a few months ago, I met with a serious writers block & have it on the shelf since. Yet, I also experimented with blog writing, which again in fear of outside circumstances, stopped writing a few months ago.
In these past few months, many experiences, mundane & mystical, have been pointing in the direction of the spoken word. Bhagwan being loud & clear, ‘Be available to me as I am available to you.’ Yet, the barriers of the mind. The spoken word is a bigger responsibility. It is a little more alive than the written word, it has expression & voice & tone & movement. And to speak on subjects that have already gotten me considerable criticism from many voices; requires courage. And especially to speak from a space of ‘I am not’, being just an expression of that no-thing ness, being just a channel for conscious wisdom; requires immense energy. So I’ve not known how to go about speaking of this Love in Vairaag.
Post my complete surrender, (ref. blog post life in surrender), an employee in a karmic project, who recently returned from the temple of love, reached out to me. Said my business partner had sent him to the ashram to help him with his life issues & the ashram with some PR for the Temple of Love. We all do our bit in our own ways. Told me all of the humbling things he heard about me from the ashramites & swamiji Anand Arun. Grateful 🙏🏻. He basically manages marketing, positioning & social media publicity for projects & public speakers. I have a feeling Bhagwan made him talk to those I had spoken to 😊. So he approached me & said, ‘I’d like you to speak publicly at platforms & events. I can also get you decent money. I’d like to profile, position & publicize you as a speaker. I’ll have to increase your social media followers gradually, get you some publicity & get you to speaking platforms, which is my area of expertise. I also learnt that you’re writing a book on the Neo Sanyas Movement. I work with many publishers, so I’d like to help you publish & promote that too.’ Bhagwan sent me a manager for my word 😊🙏🏻. Guess I gotta get back to the book then … when I started the book, I had no clue how I’d have it published. The world of the ‘word’ is still an experiment … and also an expression of my being.
I smiled at Bhagwan’s play & told him, ‘okay, do what you will but don’t control the expression of my being. You were sent to profile, position & publicize the expression itself as I don’t want or need publicity. Money is not my concern but I do have a message to deliver. Thank you for reaching out.’ We spoke on the phone for an hour & he says, ‘I’m all the more convinced that your message must be delivered. Then that was that.
I also told him during the chat, that I was inspired by a friend to compile a book of all my poetry too. I have written some, just playing around with words. But I don’t have enough of them yet. When I do, I’d like to get that published & promoted too.’ 😊🙏🏻 My word is only an expression of love in Vairaag, a complete experience of life in freedom. Whatever it needs to get out there, I’ll attract to me. I’m not a ‘doer’ yet the ‘doing’ is. Bhagwan was right when he said to me, ‘some souls are too strong to be a medium. We are only collaborating because we have the same message to deliver.’ Of course too much of a soul, for it is equivalent to two souls in one 😊😉.
In the original blueprint of love – love can only live in Vairaag. It may or may not be celebrated together, but the expression of that love is in individual Vairaag (freedom). It is in that expression that lost love can be revived in humanity only by reviving it within ourselves. For true love is always eternal, yet it is not designed to last in any structure. It is designed for something else, only in its playful expression! A much bigger purpose.
Lost love
This deep understanding of love in Vairaag is not something I’m speaking about for the first time. I’ve been writing about it since I found the word. And since I found faith in love. It is the way of true love. When I speak of love, of divine connection; I speak of true love, the original blueprint – the lost love. Love in Vairaag. Together, yet separate. I’m grateful for truth today, so I can respond, ‘I understand’, of course I do. I’m love in Vairaag too & I’d give it up for nothing’ 😊
One of the biggest triggers in any person is to realize that one may have gotten love wrong. It is a common realization in many people at some point in their lives because it is the truth. All speakers of spirituality are speaking of ways to get to love, because there isn’t much. I’ve received a-lot of love & alot of criticism for writing about true love vs love, yet it is my own individual experience, my own expression of Vairaag, linked to my purpose of being. It is a gift from Bhagwan, which I want to cherish. Whatever existence wants to do with it, it will. This is actually a topic I can speak about forever, and a more intricate aspect of the original blueprint is the subject matter of my book. The book will get me the most criticism & immense love too, I feel. I should be at a place to humbly, gratefully & playfully smile at it all. Receive what I need & leave the rest.
So with humble acceptance of all paths, because they all lead to the same destination – home; and with immense gratitude for all I have learnt on my journey with the ‘word’ so far; I silence out all the noise that silences me; and I remain open to all the tunes that inspire me. The journey ahead is true freedom, therefore more responsibility too. Two faces of the same coin of duality. And beyond duality is reality. This … Only … so I can continue on my path of the ‘word’, forward in playful & peaceful love in Vairaag 😊🙏🏻
Surrender is truly an art. They say the most beautiful expression of love is creation. And the most exquisite expression of creation is the ‘being’ of love. The ‘being’ of love is really just an expression of a ‘being’ in surrender; expressed in celebration of the gift Love is, life is. ‘Surrender’ – the word has such a negative feeling attached to it though. It gives the sense of ‘giving up’ on life. Actually surrender is something completely different. It is actually ‘not giving up’ on life; it is only a ‘giving up’ the fight with life. Surrender is to accept life – finally. Surrender is true freedom.
Have you ever experienced laughing uncontrollably & crying profusely, both at the same time? Over the past months, ‘I’ have. It’s a beautiful feeling. One that cannot be expressed in words. But I kept trying to, these past months, which I am remorseful about, for words from a wound can certainly be harassing. Didn’t understand, now, I understand 😊🙏🏻.
What I can say about tears & laughter together though, it is a profound expression of surrender. A word, of which the true meaning cannot be understood, without experiencing it. Yet, I try in this blog post, that makes me cry here and there & makes me laugh here and there.
I’m hoping I can bring you a glimpse of a life in surrender through my own journey & experiences, both inside & outside The Temple of Love.
A little of the past
I am born with the Sun ☀️ in the first house of my birth chart. The first house governs consciousness, the ‘being’, the true self. The Sun ☀️ is not a planet. It is the light that all the planets revolve around. It is pure Divine Masculine energy, a symbol of enlightenment. Yet, the path to enlightenment seems to be in the understanding & acceptance of pure feminine energy. The path of love, the nature of which is surrender. A surrender to a dance of Masculine & Feminine energies with ourselves.
Ever since I was a little girl, I seemed to be seeking peace. I was seeking because although there was love but there was no peace at home. It’s a lot better now, because everyone has found their own space outside the home; but still, the atmosphere at home is a serious one. Close knit but serious. From home I learnt that life is a serious affair, quite contrary to what I learnt at the Temple of Love. Intrinsically, I enjoy laughing, singing, dancing, celebrating; much like my daddy. Yet, some of these expressions, growing up became serious activities of learning. So with that serious knowledge, I could seriously ‘become’ some ‘thing’ in the world. The atmosphere of a home is lead by the woman they say. Mommy is a serious expression 🫤
The Bone of contention
so mommy & me have not always been friends. Our bone of contention – I say, ‘let me ‘be’; and she says, ‘to ‘be’ in the world, you have to ‘do’ something.’ In other words, If life ain’t a struggle, there ain’t a story to tell. Unless one ‘becomes’ in the world, one is useless. The ‘being’ in itself has no meaning. So a child is told, he must ‘become’ something when he grows up. Until then the child’s ‘being’ is worthless. We all grow up with a sense of seeking worthiness. That’s where the root of the need to be ‘accepted’ rests. And in different ways, this aspect of the Human Condition shows up in trauma wounds that we trigger in each other without realizing it, without even knowing each other. To me the past dies every moment as taught by my master. Yet, regardless of the circumstance that the root of the trauma lies in, it is in the understanding that essentially the same wound expresses differently in different individuals; that common ground for peace & compassion can be reached.
The serious question
I had been asked a very serious question since I was 8, in serious talk sessions, on ‘what do you want to become? If you just want to become a housewife, then that is a full time profession too. I have to prepare you. Start thinking about it.’ So I had prepared an answer since then, for when the serious talk ‘became’ a serious question. I still don’t know what I want to become 🤔 because now I’m at so much peace with ‘being’ who I am. Thanks to Bhagwan. Yet, I needed an answer & sometimes I still find people asking me this question, ‘why are you escaping? What do you want to make of your life?’ ‘In other words’, ‘what do you want to ‘become’? It’s a fair question, for I have not ‘become’. My ego construct with which I lead in the world of ‘doing’ is a gift of masculine energy from my mother. Grateful! Intrinsically, my ‘being’ resembles my father. This being, who I said ‘Oh hello 👋🏻’ to only post my sanyas initiation 2 years ago. Anyways, The terror I grew up with in my mother, who is now my best friend, is unparalleled. So I answered finally, ‘I want to ‘become’ an actor.’ They said earn your way back to film school. I did that and landed myself in a film school in India two and a half years later, after part time university & two full time jobs. Running a dance troop & selling shoes at the Hudson’s bay company in canada.
Sometimes I don’t understand jokes but in my own ‘self’ I often laughed at the joke of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. I’m slow sometimes to get jokes or I need some help understanding it but I enjoy laughing none the less 😂. The struggle between the ‘being’ & ‘becoming’ ‘became’ the split within me, manifesting as the lifelong ‘chaos’ outside. This constant struggle for life atmosphere I’ve grown up in had me constantly looking for an escape to peace. In other words, ‘the calm’.
Naturally, when there is stress and pressure all the time, so serious, it will lead to conflicts & fights in the environment. when a child faces any sort of assault or abuse in such an environment, the child feels unsafe to express it. The child is silenced, until something wakes his playfulness up again. Grateful! But there is no escape. I thought I found an escape for 15 years. It was only an illusion though. It was now the chaos of two ‘becomings’ not ‘one’. It was always two – ‘I’ & ‘you’. Peace or calm cannot be found, only claimed in the now, despite the circumstances outside. I finally decided to stop escaping & claim it, within myself, in a life in surrender.
My journey of surrender
Until I found surrender, I found no peace, I found no true freedom. Freedom from myself first. Freedom from the struggle of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. My journey of surrender began soon after my divorce. Intrinsically, I had no ambition, yet, from my mother I had received the gift of ambition & the gift of wisdom to know what I want & how to get it. Then love happened again. A love that was here not to love me, but to teach me, that love is truly freedom. Freedom from the ‘self’. Love was here to teach me that ‘in surrendering that which is most precious to me, I am freed from myself. The part of myself that is attached to the struggle to become peaceful, become the ‘calm’. Because peace cannot be found, it can only be claimed in the ‘now’’ – the biggest learning; the greatest gift of love I have found. Peace, ‘being’ in love, now. Regardless of what will ‘become’ of it. This lesson was not learnt in one stage of surrender though. It happened in three stages. The final stage that I am currently in the process of wrapping up. Each stage had me surrender a different aspect of myself that was blocking me from claiming peace within myself. Yet each stage of surrender also brought me closer to peace within myself. It brought me closer to accepting myself as I am intrinsically. The acceptance that I was looking for outside of myself, as an escape to peace. In things, in ambitions, in dreams, in goals, in people. I experienced through the stages of surrender, that each stage of surrender brought me closer to the truth of my ‘being’, which cannot be expressed in words. And each surrender was triggered by a lie. Each of those lies, today I am immensely grateful for & dedicate this post to. Today I celebrate lies before truth. And how grateful I am cannot be expressed in words. For I would never have known the truth had the lies not helped me realize again and again that I cannot fight with life. Peace can only be claimed by befriending it and riding the wave, wherever it takes me. For life is on the winning team always. I just want the freedom to choose the winning team. Because ‘I understand’ & always have …
You can’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need.’
Surrender happened
Yes, surrender too is a happening. It cannot be forced or ‘done’. Like love & meditation, it also just happens. During my struggling days in Mumbai, to ‘become’ an actor; as we all know, it can be tough, very tough to ‘become’. And that sense of self that is constantly in an insecure vulnerable place. We open ourselves up to immense scrutiny based on physical appearance & sometimes talent. When one’s chubby, you’re too fat. When one is thin, then your face looks too thin. Occasionally, when one lands an audition looking for talent, they’d ultimately cast someone who’d come through reference. I can’t blame them now, although it’s not something that I do, I understand how tough this industry is. And it is what it is. I am grateful to be able to express through the medium. I enjoy the challenges too. The whole process is fulfilling. And for some reason, the films I signed, never took off or just were shelved mid way. But that was all destiny. Bhagwan himself. Life, just whispering in my ear, ‘surrender, I’ll take you where you gotta go.’ For the longest time, I couldn’t hear it, in the noise of the world of ‘becoming’. I heard it only during my first stage of surrender, once I’d already become some, little bit 😊. Mom super happy 😁
This first lie hit in just the right place – ambition to ‘become’ more, & that is what suddenly dropped. I accepted myself a little bit more, for the first time, without the need of any ambition. I suddenly felt like all the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I tasted a little of what true freedom feels like. I this first stage of surrender, ambition became the offering & I received a friend instead, who finally accepted me without the need to ‘become’ – His Consciousness Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh at his Temple of Love.
Surrender at the Temple of love
When I was first brought to the temple of love, many women Sanyasins noticed my strong, masculine energy, & mentioned it in compliment. It allowed me to look for the feminine energy inside myself, that I needed as a disciple to grow on this path. A disciple is receptive feminine energy. And only feminine energy surrenders. Masculine energy protects. That is why, a little ego is needed too, to negotiate the world. But the path of sanyas don’t need masculine energy at all. Feminine is being, masculine is becoming. The second stage of surrender happened in the first year of sanyas. I was still getting used to constant outside opinions & influence against my decision of sanyas; I was rapidly loosing friends & extended family, who were unable to understand why I would take to a path of sanyas. My decision was constantly being challenged, scrutinized & I was being influenced to drop sanyas itself. I was being called an escapist, yet for me I knew I had only just stopped escaping from myself. Yes that is the common belief of sanyas, that it is an escape from ‘reality’. But that is completely untrue. Sanyas is hard hard work on the ‘self’. There is no escape. All escape routes are closed. One must only sit with it all. To surrender, to claim the peace. To be free. For the first time I had tasted peace, without escape. Right where I was, in my ‘being’. At home, finally. Within myself. Yet, the world would not stop telling me a big lie. That I can find freedom & peace without sanyas too. For me it was a big lie. Still in the world of ‘becoming’, my ‘being’ was a lie. At the time, many many (not one) were telling me this big lie of ‘becoming’ when I was finally in a space that was accepting me for ‘being’ my ‘self’.
I was in a weekly silence at the temple of love & on the 5th day, I was walking down the bridge connecting our rooms to the main meditation hall. All this chaos outside was taking place during my week of silence. I broke down & almost fell to the ground. Before I hit the ground, my Buddha Bro, a brother from another mother, held me & lifted me up. Hugged me & said, ‘cry, it’s okay to cry. The more you cry, the more you’ll laugh tomorrow.’ And I started laughing. It’s true – the pendulum that our emotions are. That was the first time I experienced crying & laughing together in surrender. It was beautiful… I was in immense praise of the temple of love & Bhagwan’s consciousness at the time & was using words as a medium of catharsis. All the words saying only one thing, not to the world but to Bhagwan …
Let it be a little more of you & a little less of me …
A little more of Buddha Bro
Buddha bro, having RE-birthed into sanyas, the same day as me; we have some past life connection for sure. I have a full blog post on the Buddha Bro for those interested in learning about the spiritual connection we share. We have definitely meditated together in many lives, for our energies are so aligned. But our journeys are poles apart. He comes from a broken family. Bullied through school, bullied by the elder sister & always told that he could ‘become’ nothing in life. Naturally he rebelled early as he was a totally neglected child. He had total freedom to rebel. Everyone into their own lives. Had to fend for himself from an early age. Had no sense of belonging at all. Naturally
Then he got tired of rebelling, quite early too. Or … did he fall in love? He says it happened simultaneously. Or … as I ask him, ‘was it love that asked him what he would get from this struggle with life?’ At the age of 19 he was introduced to the meditative path with Sadhguru & the Isha foundation. Ultimately took sanyas under the Neo Sanyas movement at the age of 33. Never could fall in love again, but found freedom from the self in surrender at the Temple of Love. Claimed peace in acceptance of self.
After complete silence of over 5 years, the love of his life, called him one day. Said she needed his help. Her sister needed help with her mental condition. He invited her to the ashram. She came with her sister. He says they shared some of the most beautiful moments & her sister felt much better too. Well, on this path of love, love is found in the being of a being one cannot always have. So one just focuses on the ‘self’ & finds everything within. She was actually shocked to see his transformation. It triggered her to look at herself. For they are mirrors to each other. Despite the love, the trigger overpowered. She left with some nasty words to him. She said that he was delusional for following this path & that real life is outside & that she hates Bhagwan for taking him on this fake path. He said something on the lines of, ‘you don’t know anything about sanyas or Bhagwan. Or even the last 5 years of my life. My love for you that connected me to myself. That helped me accept myself. How can you say that?’
She left & the sweet little thing that my Buddha Bro is, was left questioning his path altogether. He was so confused. So lost. So silenced within himself. To hear it from the one who’s being connected him to himself, can really break one. He was ready to give it up altogether. But Bhagwan, being Bhagwan, he brought me to the ashram three days later.
A surrender with Buddha Bro
After my weekly silence broke, I said to my Buddha Bro, ‘if you leave the sanyas path, will she be with you? Will she allow you to give her your love?’ He replied, ‘probably not or else she would say that.’ So I asked him, ‘if this life is fake & the life outside is the only reality, then why is it that this one seems to cost more? Why is this one only exclusive to those who are willing & able to pay for it with the surrender of the whole self?’ It was not a question o was asking him. It was a question I was asking myself aloud.
He says, ‘that is what did it for me? I was never accepted for being myself, I had low self worth outside. Here I found acceptance of myself by surrendering my fight with myself.’ So I told him, ‘If you get what you want by leaving this path, leave it. Even Bhagwan is for it then, for he wants you to experience all your wants & desires to transcend them.’ There was understanding together. We found strength in each others stories and …
With that together, we surrendered our struggle with the outside world on our path of sanyas. And after this stage of surrender, I found peace & freedom in acceptance of all paths.
It was an experience surrendering with a loved one. We both accepted, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but you’ll always get what you need’. All we needed to do was to surrender that which is most precious to us. It is after my second stage of surrender that Bhagwan taught me total acceptance. Accepting all as it is. To accept that even though I don’t know or understand another’s path or perspective, I cannot just deny it. I have to accept my truth & theirs. My judgement in ignorance is what was surrendered in this stage. And the reward I received is acceptance. Accepting my ‘being’ a little more & accepting outside all as it is. Yet the surrender wasn’t total. Another lie had to happen for my complete surrender of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’.
The final stage of surrender
I’m currently experiencing my final stage of surrender. Wrapping it up actually with this post, while gratefully, Buddha Bro is helping me out with The first meditation centre on my journey. Our guru, Swamiji Anand Arun put us together for this task as we live in the same city in India. I’m excited about this meditation centre after a very long time. Anyways. Off track … the final stage of surrender, Once again triggered by a lie. The greatest lie.
The lie ain’t important because any lie that leads to surrender is a divinely orchestrated happening to reach the truth. It is a divine lie. A white lie. Surrender essentially is an ego death. Big enough for one to say, ‘I accept all as it is’. And sanyas is the path of non-ego. I’m grateful for every blow to my ego over the years before & after my sanyas. I truly am. Today, in this moment I am. With tears in my eyes, I am in humble acceptance of all as it is. This final stage of surrender has been the biggest challenge on this life long struggle between ‘being’ & ‘becoming’.
I’m learning from this stage of surrender, that a sanyasin is so undefined in its ‘being’, that it can ‘be’ in any world. Yet, I understand why a sanyasin is always considered a renunciate, an escapist; Because he is ‘being’ in a world of ‘becoming’. And a sanyasin knows no becoming, only ‘being’. I’ve known ‘becoming’, and with this is final stage of surrender, I farewell the world of ‘becoming’, to remain an expression of a ‘being’ in surrender. Whatever ‘becomes’ of this ‘being’, I accept with gratitude 😊🙏🏻 I keep the peace I have longed for all my life. It is not an escape …
For where can I go. All the worlds are in this world. Life still goes on. Celebrating the gift of love that I’ve found. I remain a watcher of my breath & the watcher of the world too. ‘Being’ an expression of a life in surrender.
Closing words
Bhagwan says, ‘the same people, or the same situation with different people repeats in different ways again & again until we see what existence is trying to show us of our own patterns in that repeated experience.’
This morning, my mother was nagging me again. Saying, ‘I don’t like how you’ve made this statement. It’s missing this that and the other. You should make statements for everyone to understand, not just you.’ She’s right, yet it is a statement that no one else but me is going to refer to and see. So as long as it serves the purpose. But I don’t argue with her no more. I don’t repeat the pattern, so we don’t fight. I said, ‘okay mom. Will have it to you in a couple days.’
She heard what I didn’t say & said, ‘I am just making you ‘do’ this out of my own stubbornness.’ I said, ‘I know. It is your love language. Make me ‘do’ all that you can, for when Bhagwan takes me deeper into the unknown, and there is no more ‘I’ to ‘do’ no more, what will you ‘do’ mommy? 😊 I don’t know how to control life, I’m certain it cannot be controlled either. I don’t even understand pace; sometimes life is fast, sometimes it is slow; I just go with the flow. I understand moving with life as it comes, as it moves me.
My surrender – It is not an escape, it is not a lack of effort. It is only effort when & where it is called for. Surrender is only an acceptance that ‘I am not’ the doer, yet the ‘doing’ is. To me it is not philosophy, it is Krishna consciousness. A way of life. I’m here, living in this very world, in peace and surrender to the mystery life is. I watch myself & the world but I have no-thing left to ‘become’. There is no split between ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. It is all just a ‘being’ now. In surrendering this life long struggle between ‘being’ & ‘becoming, I have accepted myself. I have come home 😊🙏🏻 A little tired, actually exhausted but home 🏡❤️
‘in surrendering that which is most precious to me, I am freed from myself. The part of myself that is attached to the struggle to become peaceful. Because peace cannot be found, it can only be claimed in the ‘now’, in my ‘being’.
Idol worship is an expression of prayer, practiced by many & refuted by others. Some say God is in the idol & others say there is God in everything, yet other, like Bhagwan says, ‘there is no God, only godliness.’ Much misunderstood, Bhagwan does not refute idol worship though or mantra chanting for that matter. He agrees with the Shiv Puran, which I have read too, when He says, ‘Idol worship is a technique only to focus a devotee’s energy towards one source of light, so that the darkness is first removed enough. After which point, idol worship is useless, because you have now embodied the light yourself. Wherever you go, there is light. Then there is no God, only godliness.’ So idol worship does have its place in spirituality too, not just in religion. Only in spirituality there is understanding of idol worship, in religion it is blind faith.
Idol worship & me
At the start of my spiritual journey about six years ago, I was faced with a challenging crisis, which seemed to be shattering the reality that I’d known all along. I ran to my then safe haven – a colourful town named Jodhpur, in Rajasthan, India. Having been married, at the time into a community of Pushkarna Bhahmins, the Shiva worshiping tribe; having extensively travelled there, & the mystical experiences of 15 years, have me convinced that I have some past life connection with the region. I was brought there. During this particular visit, I was meditating facing the Mehrangarh Fort. It felt like I was only meditating for 30 minutes, but my partner at the time told me I was meditating for 4 hours. The longest at a stretch yet for me. Sure enough, he was right. I saw the clock & was quite surprised.
I came out of meditation with 3 profound messages that came to me as visions & sounds. 1st I heard, ‘call him’, taking the name of my divine counterpart. I didn’t know that then, so I asked my partner at the time to do the needful. The second vision was profound. I saw a thick steel tube, looked much like a neck. Suddenly a neonish, Aqua blue snake pushed out of the tube. I remember feeling mesmerized. I don’t think I could even imagine a snake so beautiful. That blue colour hasn’t left me till date. It was otherworldly. Since my introduction to the Pushkarna Bhahmin community, Snakes have always been a symbol of Shiva’s protection for me. I’ve dreamt of of the hugest anacondas (sesh naag) for years at a stretch, until the day I started meditating. In Jodhpur, it is a known fact that the late mother of my then partner, dreamt of snakes until she took to the path of deep meditative idol worship. Whoever she touched was transformed to love. Her picture rests in the in-house temples of all the houses of the old city. I have never met her, yet her mystical presence on my journey of love cannot be denied. She hasn’t visited for a long time. I know I’ll meet her in the formless. This snake vision was the most important for my life path, ‘Coz it was about me, not about another.
And the third vision was me meditating in a cave alone. A huge shivling of ice standing before me, that I was meditating on; melted down to a small ice shivling on the palm of my hand.
I researched the two visions. The blue snake indeed was the colour of the throat chakra & the pipe was the throat. It was a signalling of the start of my journey of truth. One that ‘I’ share in my words – both written & spoken. One that I share through my being. The shivling I looked up to find a buy. I found one in natural quartz that looked exactly like the one in my vision. Incidentally, pure natural quartz is made of solidified ice. I started to worship it with water & chanting. I was never one to do that before this time. It came as a natural thirst. At the time I started to awaken to a divine connection on my journey, I was already blissing out on the presence of Shiva.
Idol worship began for me with that vision & dropped soon after Bhagwan entered the story. Both were natural processes. However, at The temple of Love I experienced another kind of idol worship
Another kind of idol worship
At The Temple of Love, I experienced a different kind of idol worship, which I understood because I was practicing it unaware for the past 3 years of my spiritual journey. A more alive, playful idol worship. Worshiping the light in a ‘being’ of form or a consciousness in the formless. I was doing both – one being shiva himself. Many are devoted in worship to Swami Anand Arun in form & others are surrendered in devotion to Bhagwan’s consciousness in the formless. Scientifically, idol worship or worshiping the light in another, is doing the same thing. Focusing the energy on the light, so darkness disappears. That is why Love is the greatest teacher & beloved is the path itself. I’d like to share a couple of my own experiences from the temple of love.
An experience of compassion
In December of last year, a new sanyasin, came to the Temple of Love. He saw me at the library & introduced himself. I introduced myself & then for many months we didn’t talk. Only smiled at each other & wished ‘Pranam’ in passing. The last couple times at the ashram, we became friends. Actually not just the two of us, three of us. A very dear friend, who’s friend this fellow sanyasin is, and myself. One day he said to me, ‘I am in love with you & I want to marry you. And we will have 2 kids’ 😂. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, not then, not now. But this friend does make everyone laugh a lot.
I told him, ‘I can only give you friendship. I feel no romantic love for you & the word marriage scares me. A switch in my mind goes off & everything seems off balance 😂. I also have a bit of a complicated love story & someone already lives in my heart.’ Then he said something that further sealed the deal on no romance for me. He said, ‘I come from a wealthy family & I am wealthy myself. I will take care of you & I will also speak to your parents when they come to the ashram.’ I controlled my laughter this time & said to him, ‘don’t say this to my parents. They will laugh.’
I understand that his intention was in the right place in wanting to take care of me, but that wealthy part was not called for, especially when talking to a sanyasin, as a sanyasin. What does a sanyasin know of wealth & ‘things’. But I understand he was trying to express his feelings, which cannot he expressed in words accurately.
A little about a fellow sanyasin
Despite this, everyday he’d bring me flowers or chocolates. I told him a few times, ‘plucked flowers & bouquets make me sad. These beautiful flowers are dead already.’ I’d refuse to take these gifts, but he’d just leave them outside my door. So I told him, ‘I accept your gift but I cannot keep it. I don’t love you the way you want me to. Again, I can give only friendship. So I’ll distribute your love amongst all Sanyasins.’ He liked that & said that’s more than enough for him. However, I saw that his desire overtook him at one point & we landed up fighting. He kept trying, and I was firm on ‘ NO’. Yet, he is a good man. Never crossed a boundary until that point. Is also kind & considerate.
The thing is, he got a-lot going on. High doses of anti-depressants & beer every night. Healthy lifestyle only goes as far as physical workout & healthy food. Low understanding of mental, emotional & spiritual health. Twice married & divorced & now wants the third 😂. I know he reads everything I write. But I know that he will be happy on his mention in my story. The temple of love & Bhagwan are helping him heal. Now, he’s really not my type & I feel no romantic love for him. He knows that from day 1. And seeing his past girlfriends, I’m definitely not his type 😂. He’s into the tall, bold, confident & sexy women. Why not? Some of his Sanyasin female friends, he likes to play with, have started to give me & my friend a little side eye though. Same story, all my life. Regardless, I only ever have a couple hours a day to spend with friends at the ashram. I’m mostly enrolled in all meditations & therapies.
Ego death at the temple of love
He was just over-expressing his love one morning at breakfast, in an attempt to joke with me. He crossed a line & I blew up. He’s an egoistic man & retaliated. We fought & that was that. I cut him out instantly. I remember the last thing I told him was, ‘if what you feel is truly love, then it will transform you in ways you can’t imagine. Be in love & be grateful for it. If it is truly love, and you allow it to teach you, and it don’t interfere with someone else’s destiny; Bhagwan will make it happen. But not if you don’t work on your ‘self’ first.’ He’s an irregular meditator, and when he reads this, I know he will start for a bit & fall off again in a couple weeks 😁. He’s probably laughing, ‘Coz I’ve said all of this to him.
During the fight, He said, ‘Bhagwan told me you would help me.’ I said, ‘I can’t. I’m sorry. I have nothing to give you. If Bhagwan wants to help you through me, he will find a way to show me.’ Sure enough, Bhagwan did show me & not in an easy way.
This friend, he just always showed up when I was in a talk with fellow Sanyasins. Said he just wanted to hear me speak. And he’d always be sitting at the samadhi just before he knew I’d arrive after morning meditations, to be with Bhagwan. He continued this even after I cut him out. I’d ignore him & he’d just take it with a smile. It reminded me of myself on my own journey.
I saw myself
Everything he said, like, ‘I see Bhagwan in you & I don’t want anything from you & I’ll wait for you forever’; I had heard someone saying before too – myself. I was laughing inside at the irony that life is. Wonder how many laughed at me at the time. Yet I understood him. Maybe that is why Bhagwan feels I can help him. Bhagwan knew, I didn’t want to tell him, ‘you’ll learn.’ It’s a painful process but it is the pain of love that makes one evolve.
Later, something happened in my own spiritual connection that had me reflecting on all the times love was rejected. I remembered, how despite the pain, I was grateful just for love to have awakened in me through the being of a being. Where it has brought me today. So grateful 🤲🏻. Such a gift Love is. Bhagwan showed me in these moments of reflection, how I had disrespected love by doing the same thing with this friend, that I had experienced. Could I have responded differently, instead of reacting? I feel no-thing for him, except an understanding of his experience because I’ve been through it. A few friends told me that this big ego man was seen crying to Bhagwan multiple times, after I cut him out. I felt terrible but I was also stubborn. And it wasn’t time. Bhagwan hadn’t shown me yet. He recently reached out to me again through a friend, saying, ‘I’m sorry, I just want us to be okay. I want nothing more.’ I finally responded through my friend & said, ‘we’re good, I don’t love you but I’m here if you need someone to talk to.’ He hasn’t reached out since. I guess he’s scared that I’ll cut him out again. Says he’s grateful enough & that he’s been meditating regularly too 😊. Bhagwan has his ways, I trust Bhagwan but not this friend. He knows it.
It’s only idol worship
What He is doing is worshiping the light he sees in a ‘being’ of form. And that is taking him closer to the light. I’ve experienced this too. All the love I have given in devotion to the one, comes back to me in many forms. Love expressed, or given always comes back. Always. Maybe not in the way one wants but in the way one needs. Seeing the divine in another – It is what aligned me with my true path – this spiritual path. Bhagwan needs love in all his Sanyasins to evolve. Without love there is no evolution. Love only happens when one sees something of the divine in another. And idol worship of an idol or the light is the same. It only serves its purpose when one has fallen in deep love with that which it worships. What he is seeing is not me or my light, it is the light that I have embodied by worshiping the one I first saw the divine light in, & then by worshiping the divine consciousness of Bhagwan. ‘I am not’, only Love Is.
On the path of love, when desire transforms to devotion, the second phase of the journey begins. Transforming devotion to compassion. This was an experience of pure compassion for me. And in so many ways, beautiful too.
Another experience of love
In yet another experience, in September of last year, I met a woman in her early thirties. This fellow sanyasin lost her husband some three years ago, after only three months of marriage. I asked her, ‘why didn’t you RE-marry or date again?’ She said, ‘I couldn’t fall in love again.’ She finds a way to come to the ashram every-time she finds out I’m there. Says she just likes talking to me & being in my presence.
One day she says to me, ‘I’m in love with you. Never thought I’d say this to a woman but I feel that kind of love for you that I felt for my husband.’ Well, it made me a little uncomfortable too but because her expression of love wasn’t of desire, I said, ‘I’m grateful.’ Once again, what she is seeing in me is only bhagwan using my ‘being’ as a catalyst or a gateway for her own evolution. ‘I am not’ Remember, Bhagwan needs awakened love in his Sanyasins to guide their evolution. He is not concerned with external union. He is concerned with inner union.
The connection is to the light, not me. I’m grateful for she celebrates my being & it makes her happy. I guess, what Bhagwan is saying is ‘you become what you seek & then the seeking ends & the expression of that which you have become begins. For when one is seeking, what does he have to share. Only a half-truth – a lie! He is still seeking, he has not found.’
The feminine power of love
These are just a couple examples of the open expressions of love that I’ve shared as a glimpse into the ordinary experiences of a Buddhafeild ‘idol worship’, at the Temple of Love. I will share many more experiences & stories in the coming blogs. Mystical ones too. These two though, in particular, have helped me immensely to understand the true power of the seed of love a woman carries. Bhagwan showed me. For ‘I am not’, only Love is. Both of these experiences took place after my second stage of surrender, in September of last year. After I had accepted that although I was not there yet, I must walk the path from worship in devotion to love in compassion.
The compassion had started to flow but the attachment to the one I worship, hasn’t fully dropped yet. I’m in no hurry to drop it as everything drops on its own, once it is fully experienced & a higher experience presents itself. The thing is, unconditional love is the highest experience. ‘Coz love is god. I’m not sure what’s higher than that but there is some no-thing, which Bhagwan will walk me to & the ‘being’ of the one I see the divine in.
These experiences were to show me that, ‘idol worship’ of the light has served its purpose. Pushing me to see that it’s time to accept the light that has already accepted me, and plant the seed of love through my being. For what else is left to ‘do’. Grateful 🤲🏻. When a woman falls in love, she automatically surrenders to the divine light, (not the person) that she sees in her man. This automatic surrender is a natural response of feminine energy. Love is feminine energy. The energy of all creation.
When the feminine energy falls into a natural state of surrender, she becomes sensitive. Her heart is expanded & and throat (truth & expression chakra) starts clearing. She herself is now transforming to an expression of love – the ultimate truth & the greatest mystery. Also love itself – the greatest teacher. I guess it was love looking like a ‘blue’ snake, telling me it was time to seek the truth, to speak it later.
‘I am not’, Love is the pull
In my research I found a lot about many women today, like myself, being born with thyroid conditions or other throat conditions; have been persecuted & even eliminated for speaking their truth in past lives. Like the witches of Salem. Their truth seemed like prophecies & they were considered evil. They were only speaking ‘in tune with the reality’ or you can call it ‘intuition’ (ref. Blog post ‘Here’s How?’) In current lives, their journeys are that of speaking their truth yet again and the journey is not free from challenges either. These feminine energies have chosen lifetime after lifetime a purpose of keeping love alive despite the challenges of a loveless world. To keep The truth alive.
These experiences in particular showed me that this natural surrender in a woman that happens with love, awakens a natural gentleness that a feminine energy is an expression of. This gentleness of being, is a sort of magnetic force that attracts the thirsty for love. The medicine for the Human Condition. The feminine energy, in understanding & acceptance of her natural surrendered state, is most powerful. She plants the seed of love wherever she goes, whoever she touches. Romantic or plutonic. Or just in a hug or just by listening to someone. In so many many ways, she herself is unaware of.
The strong, masculine energy in women, which I strongly support as well; keeping in mind the Man’s world that ‘We women’ have to negotiate; is attractive too but doesn’t seem to hold the magnetism that existence has expressed in its full potential through a woman. I myself have to switch between my masculine & feminine energies, so I feel the difference myself, through outside response.
His love is also Hers
I’ve also learnt that it is very difficult for a Masculine energy, especially in a man’s body to truly fall in love. Deep attraction, lust, all that is quick & misunderstood too. But to fall in love is a different story. Not just with a woman but also with a master. Love breaks the ego & kills it for empty space for the divine light of love to take its place. Love is needed on both journeys. When he does fall in love, he also falls in love from the feminine aspect of himself. It goes deeper than the love of a woman, much much deeper. Love is the feminine energy, even in a man. It is deeper in a man, because it has been suppressed for very long. In love, Then wherever he goes, whatever he touches, he also plants the seed of love.
There is a lot of divine power in the woman’s acceptance of her intrinsic nature of love; in this Man’s world & for this Man’s world to be also a woman’s world. But this power unearths itself after her ‘idol worship’ of the light is complete & she has now become that which she seeks. The light itself. The need for ‘idol worship’ of devotion automatically drops & she is now just an expression of love.
The idol worship of Meera & the expression of Radha
In my understanding the story of Meera & Radha are two chapters of one story of a woman on the path of love (Bhakti). Regardless of the situation-ship or relationship; Chapter 1 is of the ‘idol worshiper’ & Chapter 2 is of the expression of the divine. The compassionate love.
I’d like to share a conversation with Bhagwan that not only inspired this series but also this first blog post …
It’s a beautiful day of silence to ‘be’ an expression! An expression of true freedom He says. So ‘I’ ask Him …
How to ‘be’ an ‘expression’ of the divine, without ‘being’ a ‘watcher’ of the divine? He says, ‘Love is God. YES, BUT … Love is also freedom, even freedom from the ‘idol worship’ of the divine.’
‘Hmm’, I ask in a different way, ‘How to free the ‘idol’ from the ‘watcher’ & yet ‘be’ an expression of the ‘worshiper’? For Meera is an expression of ‘idol worship’. The seeker of Krishna.’
‘How to free love from the ‘watcher’ & yet ‘be’ an expression of love?’ ‘I’ continue … ‘How to walk with the divine & not seem like ‘I’ ‘watch’ the divine?’ 🤷🏻♀️
‘Radha has an answer for you,’ He says, ‘for when the ‘idol worship’ of Meera is complete; The mystery of Radha is ‘now’ to ‘be’ lived. Radha is just an expression of love, not the ‘idol worshiper’. The ‘play’ in which Krishna ‘plays’ ball with the universe. Radha is the true friend, the play mate of Krishna. His inner world. Radha is a ‘watcher’ only of the ‘self’, not of Krishna. Krishna is the ‘watcher’ of Radha. The ‘play’ of the inward flow of life. ‘Radha is not’ a seeker, only an expression of Krishna. SHE ‘plays’ – YES, BUT … only in silence 🤫 . For Radha IS Krishna. She is the seeking of Meera. Meera’s seeking is complete with Radha.’ ⭕️
‘I am not’ just as ‘Radha is not’, only love is; I do not touch the souls of beings. I do not plant the seed of love. Just as Radha, I am only an expression of Love. In that expression what must happen, happens. The mystery that ‘We women’ are, is not just an experience for the world but also ‘We women’ ourselves.
‘We women’ are in the Man’s world, but not of it. Before my sanyas, I already had accepted that there is nothing I can’t do that a man can do. Maybe apart from anything of physical strength, which he’d out do me in. But sanyas & the experiences of the Temple of Love, showed me that my greatest strength is in my acceptance of my intrinsic feminine nature.
We Women
‘You maybe an exception to the rule, but an exception only proves the rule.’ ~ Bhagwan.
The handful of women who are the faces of empowered women, is not the reality of We women at large. They are the exceptions to the rule. The majority, however, are not that fortunate. They don’t have opportunities like we do. Realistically, They cannot raise their voices, strongly project themselves. They don’t even care for it. That is not the feminine nature. Feminine energy is still, it don’t find comfort in fight. All they are looking for is peace & some respect & dignity & acceptance for being exactly as they are. Treated like second class citizens of this world, suppressed, depressed, women suffer in many ways in this Man’s world – most of all emotionally but also mentally, physically & spiritually. Therefore the man suffers too at the hands of women, who blame him for their condition. The empowered woman of today, is not a representation of the feminine energy at all. Neither of the women population of the world at large.
There is no way to hold a position of influence or power in a Man’s world without operating from Masculine Energy. The empowered woman of today has nothing to offer to the non-empowered majority. In fact if anything, she is here to take away from the majority her greatest strength – the feminine power of her Love. And with that she takes away the gentleness that is her gift of magnetism from existence itself. Sadly, In the expression of an empowered woman today, the majority of We women are not reflected. On the contrary, they seem intimidating, overwhelming & & scary to the ordinary woman. There is no inspiration because the circumstances are not the same. The needs are not the same.
Fear is not a means to inspire change. Fear is a means to control only. Once a woman knows your weakness, knows what scares you, suppresses you; oh can she be nasty! Especially if she operates from the masculine mind. She can use your fear against you to cripple you & kill your spirit. A woman can make or break a man, therefore his world too.
Handful of women are controlling the narrative of the empowered woman. It actually saddens me, yet, I am grateful that at least Bhagwan has helped me to understand. And gives me multiple opportunities to help other women understand too. The women of the rule, not the exception. For the ones who are an exception are already exceptional & accepted.
The empowered woman of the Temple of Love
It is not about the masculine or feminine energy, each one of us carries both within & both are needed to navigate life. But to lead from the masculine principal in a competition with Man in his own world & to deny the feminine principle, which contradicts the competition with Man; is essentially the death of the feminine aspect on this planet. The feminine is truly a dying breed & she holds the seed of love. Love is God. To allow her to die, is to allow the divine to die.
I personally don’t belong to this majority, yet I understand because I get to interact on a one on one basis, everyday with women from such majority. I just speak with them & help them with some tools to unearth their natural feminine power of love. I’ve heard from these women time & again that their sense of self respect, self love & self dependency, has healed, only through the understanding & acceptance of the intrinsic feminine nature & its tremendous force. In this acceptance they find their peace & power, because it is not in constant conflict with their own intrinsic energy. It is in alignment with it. Then, when feminine energy is leading the way energetically, all wars can also be fought with love – the Krishna consciousness way.
The empowerment of the feminine, her true freedom is in her acceptance of her feminine spirit. And idol worship can be the beginning of that journey back to the ‘self’, because before an idol of God, or a being of divine light; at least the head will bow down. When it’s bowed down enough, the divine will speak to her & to all, through her ‘being’ – that is her empowerment – God or … Godliness. But upon empowerment, her love is needed in this loveless world of a whole lot of noise about love. Then idol worship is futile, ‘Coz She now is divine herself in the light of the power of her Love ❤️
I am not here to refute by any means that women must be strong & courageous & survivors & achievers. I’m only here to remind women of their super power. That’s all. I’m grateful that Bhagwan has found so many ways, alongside ‘earning’ a living, for me to ‘share’ my living too. Individually & in small collectives; with many women, who are not by any standard of the world, ‘exceptional’, only ordinary. The rule, not the rule-breaker. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to share a word with them, just to remind them that …
Reality, is all that we humans can perceive through our 5 senses – touch, taste, smell, see, hear. Any experience beyond these 5 senses is beyond our perceived reality. It is a choice, to accept the experience of the 6th sense as reality or not. A choice to choose our reality. But does that split reality itself? Reality is choice-less, all of it exists in reality whether we perceive it or not, whether we accept it or not.
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been sitting with the depth of unexpressed reality. What’s real is the truth essentially. Unexpressed! For truth cannot be expressed. Arriving at an understanding that Truth is a lie. How can truth be a lie? Either there is truth or there is lie. How can they both be the same? Yet they are! 😊
Just like love is no-thing. Love really cannot be in any ‘thing’. It is so vast that it can only exist where there is immense empty space. Empty of ‘things’ to contain it. That is why in the world where the first requirement of ‘living’ is to ‘earn’ a ‘living’; love is just ‘nothing’. It has to be nothing. Do you blame man? I don’t. I accept, Yet, ‘I’ choose to understand love as no-thing not nothing. Love is beyond the world of things – matter. Even expression. So love & no-thing is the same 😊.
Love is a reality. It IS. Yet it is not, unless we can perceive it through our 5 senses. Love is the truth of all reality, one that we choose to accept & one that we don’t choose to accept as well. It is the ultimate truth, therefore the greatest lie. Like god.
I’m not sure you follow me …
So I’d like to explore from different perspectives.
Reality of self
One of my earliest introductions to spiritual practice was through the third eye meditations of swami Nityananda. He explained the three perceptions of self, which has stayed with me till date. I understood it because I have always basically lived unaware trough that space. Now I am conscious of it. Aware.
Nityananda says, ‘the three perceptions of self reality are, Mamakara, Ahankara & Anyakara. Mamakara (true self) – how ‘I’ perceives itself; Ahankara (ego self) – how ‘I’ perceives others to perceive ‘I’; Anyakara (projected self) – how ‘I’ is actually perceived by others. When all there ‘Karas’ are aligned, the same; the complete self is realized. Then we live in completion.’ ⭕️. Free from the ‘karma’ of the ‘kara’
Essentially what Swami Nityananda is saying is that none of the three ‘Karas’ are aligned in the reality of the 5 senses. Our world. Everyone perceives everything from the limitations of self understanding & experience. The 5 senses are designed to perceive only the outside. Quantifiable matter. Therefore all self work, unfortunately, gets focused on the latter two, Ahankara (ego self) & Anyakara (projected self). Mamakara remains silent, hidden & misunderstood because it belongs to the reality of the sixth sense. When the true self is the focus, the ego self dissolves unexpressed & therefore the projection dissolves too. There is now just a direct connection between true self & how it is perceived, by self & by the outside. True authenticity, some would say!
Without trying to explain this inexplicable understanding further, I invite you to meditate on the two paragraphs preceding this one. In my experience, the aligned one is the crazy one. The Rumi, the Meera, the Bhagwan, the Buddha. It finds peace outside the world, which is inside its true self. So all expression is from the true self. But that true self is only a lie inside the outside world because it comes from the part of reality that has not been accepted as perceived reality inside the outside world. Yet it is a truth of the whole reality. Do you follow me?
From yet another perspective
Truth is that which IS. Lie is that which is not, yet the lie also IS in the not. The ‘not’ which is yet not perceived or expressed. Don’t mean it don’t exist. It IS because it exists in the ‘not’ part of the reality. Perceivable by the same sixth sense only.
For instance, a toddler has no perception of truth & lies. He operates from pure innocence. He can say a lie like, ‘god speaks to me’, we accept it as his ‘play’. His innocence. It is his truth in that moment, it may change later. He has no need for consistency. But for an adult, the child’s truth is a lie. The adult is knowledgeable, the child has No knowledge at all. Raw, uncultured, totally focused on what he is doing in the moment. When the focus changes, he is totally focused on the now focus. He is not concerned about the outcome, only the experience. The play. The child has no perceived sense self yet. So there is no split between the inside & the outside. It is total acceptance essentially, in innocence & immaturity. God speaks to the child & also his mommy. Both are reality. No spilt between truth & lies.
A Buddha, again a lie until attained, is the same as a child. Only difference is that a Buddha is an adult. He has gained knowledge to birth maturity, and then lost all knowledge, to RE-birth the innocence of a child ⭕️. So there is no difference in the innocence of a Buddha & a child, except maturity. A buddha is aware innocence, a child is unaware innocence. Neither hold knowledge; Buddha carries wisdom & both carry innocence. A Buddha also says, ‘God speaks to me’, again we accept it as Buddha’s ‘play’ of wisdom. But for the rest of the adults of knowledge & maturity, Buddha’s statement is a lie. They only nod their heads because it is Buddha, they accept Buddha, not his truth. How can they? They have ‘not’ yet experienced it.
A truth of one’s story, is a lie of another’s story. Yet once the story connects, it is one story, where both truth & lies can exist together. Both the truth & the lie can be accepted, & experienced, to transcend to the third state of being – ‘living’ the mystery’. Question less.
A beautifully divine mystery of 6 years is now a wrap for me, in this understanding that truth is a lie. There is no more mystery left to live. I have lived it, at least this part of the mystery. The seeking of Meera is now a living of the mystery that Radha is. When the flow ‘dhara’ moves inward, ‘Radha’. The outside mystery is lived & revealed 😁. Grateful, so grateful 🤲🏻. The expressed lie, hides the unexpressed truth. It is the same.
The Tantra way
From yet another perspective. The story of a seed & the story of a tree. The truth of the seed is a lie of the tree & the truth of the tree is a lie of the seed ⭕️. It sounds like philosophy, because our minds are fragmented (ref blog post titled ‘Here’s How). I’ve explained the fragmentation of the mind in the horizontal dimensions in detail there. So won’t go into it here. Philosophy is of the fragmented mind. The philosophizing of the reality that the mind has a ‘knowledge’ of existing but has no experience of it. The story of the seed and tree is reality not philosophy, because they are not two stories. It is one story from the seed to the tree & from the tree back to the seed. The tree is the seed realized, the seed is the potential tree. Tantra sees the full story. ⭕️
Tantra, as much misunderstood, is not about dark spirituality or sacred sex. The dark is equally accepted as the light, within the ways of tantra & yes, sacred sex is a part of the understanding. However, Tantra is a way of life that sees non-fragmented & accepts the whole as is. Light & dark included. Truth & lies included. Tantra is a state of ‘being’ that, slowly but surely, is the transcendence of all dualities ☯️.
Tantra sees the tree in the seed & the seed in the tree, that is why it is associated with mysteries & mystics; witches & prophecies. But it’s basic principle is that, darkness is not, where light is. There is no fight between truth & lies, no fight between light & dark. When light comes, darkness disappears. When a candle is lit, the darkness will not say, ‘I will not go. I will fight to stay.’ Tantra is a misunderstood expression of the vertical dimensions of reality, or one can call it, the sixth sense. Therefore, misunderstood. Fragmented in understanding from the consciousness of the horizontal dimension.
Tantra is a constant remembrance that life is a ‘play’ of existence. To split it between truth & lies is to split the ‘play’ of life into real & unreal. It is not a complete experience of the show that life is. In the ways of tantra, there is no truth & there is no lie, only a complete acceptance of the ‘living’ of the mystery called life. Tantra don’t allow a split, it accepts all – the known & the unknown; it plays with both. It expresses both. It is the true authenticity of tantra. Therefore tantriks & tantrikas seem eccentric inside the outside reality. There is no split of truth or lie in their experience of the ‘play’. The ‘leela’ that life is.
Truth cannot be in words 🤫
Love is no-thing, because truth is a lie. Truth is that which cannot be expressed in words. Especially the spoken word. Therefore it is a lie. Love that can be expressed in the spoken word, is not love. It is only a feeling that seems like love. Thoughts & feelings are temporary. Love is eternal. It is the divine itself. Love can only be expressed as creativity. ‘Coz love is creation. She is creation. She is love. The truth that love is can only be expressed as a lie that no-thing is, within the confines of the limitations of expression in the so called free world. How to express this in words? But in a song, or a dance or poetry or a painting it can be expressed.
One might argue that love has most exquisitely & eloquently been expressed in words by a Rumi or a Meera. Only because the ‘play’ of words IS their creative expression. They have expressed love through their whole being, not just words. Their ‘being’ is their creative expression. YES, BUT … not without paying the price of speaking the truth in a hypocritical world. I often wonder, had a Rumi or a Meera been afraid of being consistently questioned & laughed at during their time, how would they ever stand as an encouragement for those like me? To me they say, ‘it’s okay, it’s okay to be questioned & laughed at now, just so love can live eternally; because it lives in your creative expression of the self.’ That’s all they say to me in all of their contradictory words of love & truth. It is all no-thing & lies 😊. Meaningless in the world of matter of the 5 senses. They have lived only from the sixth sense & used the 5 senses not to perceive only to express.
Truth can only be expressed through creativity. The rest is all a lie. One of the greatest kept secrets of religion is Love itself. Because love is God. Jesus said god is love & his love is the unaccepted secret of Christianity. The lie that IS in the not. Not of Christ, of Christianity. The love story of Jesus & Mary Magdalene. Where, on the one hand, Radha, Hinduism’s (not Krishna’s) secret love; has been expressed in the words of hymns; the love of Jesus has been secretly expressed in code through Da Vinci’s paintings. The longer love is a secret, the divine will remain a secret to this world. Love & truth are not words, so they are no-thing & lies. Yet in this ‘play’ of no-thing & lies, love needs to be expressed. For love to live. It is the only expression of God.
The last question !
It’s All just a ‘play’ – truth or lie, don’t matter. Love expressed as creativity is not just a gift for one, it is a gift for all. A gift of freedom. A gift of love. So Keep playing & gratefully enjoy this beautiful play that existence has given us an opportunity to experience. She accepts your lie & knows your truth too. She withdraws in the acceptance of your lie, she stays in the knowing of your truth. Much like Mother Earth & the Pandemic. It creates a split in the reality & man is confused. The truth is always evident in a lie because it is the same. The truth you ‘stand by’ & not ‘necessarily’ tell, to create a lie, is always clear as day. All three ‘karas’ are aligning. Once aligned, there will be no experience left in expression. And expression is an experience. Only silence will Be in the absence of expression. Don’t just play, also say, whenever you’re ready to say; until then just play. For the truth can live in the lie of the play. Yes it can – The Tantra way 👍🏻
I wonder, Can this no-thing that love is & this Lie that the truth is, that I try to express in words; be expressed in creativity not of words too? YES? NO? YES, BUT ? 😁
Is there anything left in this play,
Except the lie that’s left to say?
Or is there still a reason to save,
The truth,
will you take it to the grave?
Say it like truth, or say it like a lie,
Will you express it before you die?
Let me know that Love is,
I know … yet …
Whoever she is, divinity is …
For until ‘you’ express or say,
How can ‘I’ STOP the play? 🥹🙏🏻
With immense immense Gratitude for the lies of no-thing that has lead to the un-expected & unexpressed truth of love after (almost) six long years 🙏🏻
In celebration of the truth & the lie, please let the truth live in the lie of the play. YES? NO? YES, BUT? 😊
During some ‘work doings’ of the Karmic world, exploring the scientific world of ‘Artificial Intelligence’, an expression found its way … Man & AI.
Man’s whole sense of identity is built on what we ‘do’ for that identity & express it into a space in the world as the manifested self, making up the manifested world; Now, what will ‘be’ the expressed world, when there will be no need for Man’s ‘doing’, taken over by ‘Artificial Intelligence’? Loss of identity, what to express? 🤔 In other words, Identity Crisis …
Then it strikes me … if it is taken away, it will be a crisis but … not if it’s ‘given’ away or ‘shared’. Then it is a gift. The gift of freedom – a gift of Love ❤️ ‘Coz love is freedom. So the solution lies in the frequency of love. Love is to give. We can ‘give’ that which is either smaller in meaning than the self or that which one has an abundance of. When the identity is restricted to ‘doing’ something for it, there is no more self left beyond it to express. There is a fight to hold on to identity. But when the self is free of its own sense of identity, no attachment to it, the self is rooted in the ‘being’, it can never be taken away. Identity is a part of the whole. It can be shared or given, ‘Coz it is only a part of the ‘being’ – The true self. There is no need left to express an identity, as the self seems bigger than the identity. It can be seen automatically. I trust Man & AI can co-do or co-be or one ‘do’ & one ‘be’ on this planet … 😊
If there is no fight of ‘doing’ for identity!
An experience beyond identity
I spent a good chunk of my middle & high school years in a boarding school. Don’t think I can call myself a very bright student, non-studious for certain, but I’d make it through somehow. I mostly excelled in extra curricular activities – dramatics, elocution, dance, singing, athletics, swimming – you know, the usual. So I was the popular kid in school. I never really needed to make friends. Somehow, friends just happened.
I wouldn’t call myself naughty either, but I was definitely an experimenting mind; more often than not getting my friends into trouble with me. I’ll just leave it at ‘experimenting mind’ for this post. Anyways, in grade 9, my chemistry teacher was a sad lady. I don’t blame her, not then, not now. She had lost both her children in an accident. This teacher, let’s call her Mrs G. Mrs G had seen me and some friends ‘experimenting’ and decided to single me out of the group as the leader. She was strict & Her terror was big among the students, me included. Mrs G ordered my entire class (all sections included) to not be seen talking to me, or else it would mean a month of detention 😳.
So I don’t blame my classmates either. Not then, Not now. They were afraid. They tell me now of how they wanted to talk to the popular girl but were too scared to. I understand I needed to be ‘isolated’. That’s what they called it. But I had a very special friend, an angel, who didn’t let me feel the isolation as much. The daughter of the principal, let’s call her Miss M.
Miss M
Miss M, one of the most beautiful souls, both inside & out, to have touched my experience of life. She was my dramatics teacher. Maybe in her late 20’s at the time, beautiful, confident, and enigmatically mysterious. It was the word in school, Miss M is always watching. Somehow she knew, she saw the silent ‘isolation’ and my acceptance of it. And she saw, the pains my besties took to still, secretly experiment with me 😂.
So the lovely Miss M decided to make a point. Silently! After all she was the daughter of the man who’s dollars (coupons) bought us our canteen grub. She started to take me out of school to party in her open jeep 😆 along with her other friends from grade 11 & 12. I had new friends, the head boy & girl included. This in itself was a ‘big thing’ for the rest of my classmates & Mrs G. I understood no-thing except that this was a kind woman who liked me. Miss M simultaneously, and much to my confusion, pulled me out of the middle school plays (where I belonged) & placed me with central roles in the senior school plays. The silence, now of surprise, continued among my classmates but the nasty remarks & hateful expressions of Mrs G stopped.
Touched by an angel
In this ugly experience, I found a beautiful gift 🎁 Miss M, who didn’t even let me feel the pain of ‘isolation’ at the time, what she was seeing, she protected me from seeing. Mrs G was attacking my identity. To make me feel small, to kill my spirit, to take away my expression of myself – in the name of discipline.
And Miss M used that opportunity to challenge me, to go beyond myself; beyond the identity that was being attacked. Yes, with her I had to work very hard, sometimes into late nights. But she brought out the best in me with drama, elocution, dance, swimming & athletics; making me the youngest actor in the touring senior school plays & getting me straight to ‘highly commended’ awards in all the activities she overlooked on me. Wherever she is, May god bless her.
I had asked Miss M once, ‘why do you love me so much?’ And she replied, ‘you have a colourful spirit, that is bigger than yourself. You are a simple girl and many people will try to steal your simplicity by telling you there is something wrong with you. I want you to remain confident in your own expression of life. It is a complicated world out there, we need some simplicity.’
I didn’t understand her then, I understand her now. It had no-thing to do with my ‘doings’, my identity at all, only to do with my spirit. She wanted to protect my spirit. The ‘doings’ were only an excuse to make me confident in my own self expression. Today, I want to thank her because today, I understand her. I just don’t know how to tell her ‘thank you’.
What ‘I’ learnt about identity
At the time, I’m not sure what I learnt. I remember after grade 10, when I decided to go back to day school in Kolkata, Miss M tried very hard to have me stay back. She said, ‘I’ll make you head girl. We want you here.’ Something must have affected me deeply though, ‘Coz I remember saying to Miss M, ‘I want to go home now.’ Boarding school days were some of the best days of my life, yet, the experience of isolation, even with friends, had made me feeling small in some ways. I just wanted to start afresh even if it’s small. The experience of life, even then was more important to me than my identity. Head girl was a big deal then but not bigger than life.
Later, my mother ran into another teacher from school & learnt that Mrs G had said to him a few times, ‘if my daughter was alive, she’d be better than this girl (me) at everything and she would have more friends too.’ I guess Mrs G missed her daughter when she saw me. My spirit reminded her of that which she wanted to forget – the spirit of her deceased daughter. Everyone expresses inexpressible emotions differently. All she wanted was for me to stop ‘doing’ whatever I was ‘doing’ to remind her of the identity her daughter held.
Today, I understand what identity is, back then I didn’t. Somehow, I have never led with identity. I see that now, or else the isolation would’ve affected me a lot more. On the contrary, it helped me understand very early, the importance of aloneness & self dependence. The spirit of the ‘being’ is bigger than the ‘identity’. When the ‘being’ leads, the identity is too small to affect too big.
An experiment with identity
That was then. Now, via Tantra, Bhagwan has encouraged experimentation with the sense of identity from time to time. Shaking it up a bit by using situations of life & all the mediums of expressing identity. I tried that recently, tried to feel like a nobody – no identity – only an expression of ‘being’. It is what ‘I’ most crave truly. The world of ‘becoming’ scares me. The world of ‘beings’ & ‘happenings’ is where I mostly fly.
Anyways … the experiment was a fail 🙄. It was impossible to leave the total past behind even for a moment into an identity less space. Parts of the identity followed in. Yet, in other ways the experiment was a success, in learning that no matter where ‘I’ go, the identity will follow as long as the ‘doing’ is there. All that ‘I’ can do is ‘understand’ that identity is not ‘I’, it is only a part of the ‘I’ that ‘I am not’. No-thing need be done for it to be expressed. Yet expression will ‘be’. So Identity – let it follow me, instead of leading me – make it utilitarian. So it’s possible to live from a place where it can be easy to give or share the identity (all doing) yet keep the self if needed.
That space is the spirit. One can call it the soul too. Or consciousness. Some call it ‘living from the heart’. That frequency of love, where identity feels too small, even non-existent outside of worldly matters. Beyond the ‘doing’ of identity is the ‘being’ of spirituality.
Science & spirituality
what ‘I understand’ from Bhagwan is that science & spirituality (essential ‘being’ of Man) are lost brothers who must meet to complete the missing pieces of the whole experience of life, yet there is a struggle for individual identity 🤷🏻♀️. Science can express spirituality. ‘Coz spirituality is essentially about that which is ‘not’ – the spirit – only energy. It cannot express. And AI (science) currently expresses various frequencies of the mind – that which is. Whatever Mind can do, today AI can do better.
But whatever spirit can do, AI still cannot ‘do’. And …They’re both here to stay! Maybe in the ‘spirit’ of spirituality, someday, it will be willing to loose its identity to be expressed through science. In any case, spirituality is about the spirit, not about the identity. The ‘doing’ is always happening, but the focus is the self not the ‘doing’. Living from That part of our consciousness that breaths or breaks down our food in the body – automatic. The identity is not needed from that space, yet ‘doing’ is. The identity may be useful & helpful in some worldly ‘doings’ – it is then only utilitarian. Use it when needed, like AI today. 😊
Conclusion
Over the past many months, I’ve learnt a lot about identity. I’ve learnt that the feeling of ‘no-thingness’ is big, very big. To feel like ‘no-thing’ is to feel like ‘everything’. But to feel small in identity is a very restricting space. Small is worse than no-thing. There is nothing to feel good about when I feel small. Hopelessness. If identity loss were to happen, when AI takes over; it’ll probably be a hopeless world as far as man is concerned. Unless man understands that identity is really just a ‘play’ & cannot be a true expression of the ‘being’. It is only an expression of identity. It is restrictive. Not freedom. When we understand this Man & AI can co-exist in love & freedom. ‘Coz love is freedom. Freedom from an ‘identity’.
But that is then, when AI takes over … why ‘think’ now? Now there’s only a sprouting plant of AI, that’s fun & utilitarian; not something that controls us or defines Man. It is still within our control of the play of identity, to engage or disengage; although ‘doing’ life is becoming slowly & increasingly challenging in the mind by disengaging completely. A sort of created dependency, therefore now a need …
Sadhguru, who ‘I understand’ to be of realized consciousness, not artificial intelligence, surprised to find himself at AI conferences; says, ‘we still have around 15 years to go before Man’s need in ‘doing’ the world will be immensely reduced if not eradicated. AI will ‘do’ it all.’
As ‘I’ move through my world of ‘doing’, ‘I’ Wonder sometimes what kind of identity Man will hold in that rather artificially intelligent world? 🤔
It is said that we can revisit previously opened windows on our experience of life. And we can look at them anew. When we can share the view with no pain, or attachment to it; we have healed. I couldn’t agree more. This blog post is close to my heart. I’m sharing, as I also revisit, some windows, I opened early in life. These are some windows weve all opened in our basic experience of life. These are the windows that shaped my initial view/perception/understanding of life itself.
The view from the windows I speak about below, is the view I see when I look back into them today. At the time, I experienced the view with ‘them’ (others) in it. Today there’s so little of ‘I’ left, so there is a ‘you’ but no ‘they’. The more the ‘I’, the more the ‘they’The less the ‘I’, the less the ‘you’. ‘I’ & ‘YOU’ = The View. that is today. When there is no ’I’ left, there will be no ’You’ left either. and no View either. only the complete reality – The Truth. So as we get closer to Truth, the same View changes too.
A Window
Once upon a beautiful time,
Before all the days of rhyme,
A mystical window I discovered.
Never opened, always covered.
Intrigued & mystified, one fine day,
I opened the inviting window wide.
It was Godly, shining, ‘Divine’, I say,
The view from this side. 👌🏻
My sight was drawn to a bright white light,
Emitting from another window in sight.
There’s other windows in sight alright,
But none emitting such a divine light.
It was like ‘they’ never saw the light,
It was like ‘they’ never had a sight.
Not the light, ‘they’ saw my glowing face,
Only then did ‘they’ really, make it a race.
‘They’ saw me, & then the light,
There began all the cunning fight.
It became such an ugly sight.
Now, I was the reason to fight. 🥺
I still wanted to just see the light,
But For me the window, was shut tight.
So I shut it too, this window tight, 😡
To be gone, forever outta sight.
For Many days & many nights,
There was no noise & no fights.
Windows remained shut so tight,
As I was finding my own little light.
Then one day, I heard a knock,
On the window, now with a lock.
With a lock, tick tock, tick tock,
Over the window, I had hung a clock. 🕚
I looked, and there was the bright white light,
Shining through the cracks, reaching my sight.
Fearful to open the window again,
Remembering all the Un-healed pain,
Yet I opened the window again,
Hoping this time to avoid the pain.
Yet again, yet again … 🤦🏻♀️
‘They’ saw me & then the light,
Again, began all the useless fight.
Again, It became an ugly sight.
Of course, now I too was to fight. 🥺
I still just wanted to see the light,
But, Only for me, it was fading to night.
So again, I shut this window tight,
Why be in sight & yet see no light? 🙄
Then for months, there was no light,
Open window, but not a sight.
It made me wonder, it made me feel,
How much the light is asking to heal. 🤔
Was it a mirror on the other side,
Of that window with the bright light?
Wanting this window opened wide,
So I can too, mirror …
Or reflect the light?
Or was it a mirror on the other side,
Of that window with the bright light?
Mirroring a bright white light, from inside,
For something other than my grateful …
But limited sight?
Or was there someone on the other side,
Of that window with the bright light?
Dimming the bright white light, from inside,
To protect me from some evil …
Or conditioned sight?
I see just a window, and just a light,
But for me it is a very sacred sight.
I’m the moon, I live in the dark night,
The ‘Night Lord’ showed me another Light.
I’d always wished upon a shining star,
The one I had named after my star. 😊
‘I wish with your cosmic magic one day,
I open the window, and there’s no ‘they’’ 🙏🏻
Been wanting to open the window again,
I don’t fear the fighting & all of the pain.
But I’d rather not be an object in ‘their’ sight,
I’d rather just be reflecting, only the light. 😊
So, then, after long, magic today I see,
This window, open can always be.
From the other windows, ‘they’ cannot see,
I see the window, & when it’s lit, it sees me 😁
Humbled by the light, not craving a sight
Now that there’s my own little light.
Not as white, not as bright,
But bright enough for my own sight. 🤩
Now that I, don’t see the ‘they’,
Now that there’s no un-healed pain,
Now there’s no ‘I’, waiting to play,
So I open the window again 🤫
#MaPJ
Behind the unopened windows
Behind all the unopened windows on our journey, are experiences we’ve missed to live. In other words, we’ve missed life itself. These windows are opportunities, we’ve missed leaping into, risks we’ve missed experiencing the adventure of. It is doubt & fear that holds us back. The only language of the mind, apart from desire. The aversion to a negative experience, is as self-destructive as attachment to a positive experience. Non-attachment & non-aversion is the middle path, the path less path, the gate less gate, the effortless effort. The path of the non-doer. The Path of Zen & the path of the ‘Geeta’.
Behind these unopened windows is the unknown! Our fear of the unknown, blocks our experience of the unknown as well. The only ‘doing’ is the opening or the ‘not opening’ of the window. Beyond that is only a reflection of our own perception; no matter which window I open and which I don’t.
The View
Once we open any window, we see the beautiful & the ugly. And the beautiful & the ugly will also see us. The world around us, is ‘doing’ so much that not for a moment, ‘they’ stop to experience the beauty around. If ‘they’ did, ‘they’ would see the divine light too. ‘Coz beauty cannot be seen with the body’s eyes, it can only be experienced by the soul. It can be seen by the ‘third eye’, the sixth sense. The rest is superficial beauty. When I see beauty, ‘I’ feel happy. But when I experience beauty, I am beautiful. When I am beautiful, wherever I am, there is beauty. Every ‘View’ is beautiful. Not the beauty of the conditioned ‘I’ but the beauty of the ‘Light’ of the view falling on me, reflecting my perception of life. The Divine Light. Only a Divine sight can see a divine light.
Amidst the ‘doing’, those around me, in passing, see me still, just ‘being’, with the ‘glow’ of the ‘light’ on my face. Then ‘they’ see the light. Then ‘they’ desire to take the ‘light’ ‘on the go’. In a ‘to go’ bag 😂. The ‘light’ stays put. When ‘they’ stand there ‘looking’ at me, the ‘light’ is making ‘their’ faces glow too. ‘They’ just can’t see themselves. We just need to ’be’ still a moment and it will reflect on us too. What is reflecting on our face is the light that is inside us. The view is beautiful when ‘I’ has the sight to see the beauty. The view outside, is only a mirror, reflecting back to me, ‘what I am’ inside. What my sight is showing me. So ‘they’ don’t even really exist between ‘I’ and the ‘view’ I wish to see.
The view is in my Experience
My View from the window – Nature & The Light
Life is beyond the control of ‘I’. The ‘I’ is too small to experience life. It only ‘does’ to find stimulus outside of itself. Finding the beauty outside to feel beautiful inside. But it’s the inside that reflects outside. Life will show me only that which is required to ‘be’ inside. When we open windows, we see the beautiful and the ugly. Both are there present outside because it is present inside. As we transform the inside, for which we must ‘be’ inside, the outside transforms. As within, so without; as above, so below.
Essentially the energy for ‘them’ flows outward & outward (& sometimes inward). All ‘doing’ is outward. All! Except meditation, which is a non-doing. A ‘being’. By meditation too, I mean vipassna only. Silent being. No other forms of active or even passive meditations. To control the view outside, our experience of life, the energy only needs to move inward and upward, which it does in vipassna sessions as there is no way for the energy to flow outward. There is no outward flow needed and the energy circles within. The outward is forever changing based on the inward flow of energy. So after ‘opening’ the window, there is no other ‘doing’ that is required. The ‘doing’ happens through the ‘being’ as we flow through the experience of life looking at the view from the opened windows.
A window to a different view
How do ‘I’ know the view beyond the window until I open it? I’d like to share some views of windows I opened as a teenager in a co-creative process with the universe. I just didn’t know then ‘why’, and neither did I care. Only because it is during those years that we all ‘choose’ a way of ‘being’, in one of two relationships with ourselves and that is how we start to experience the outside world.
Either we choose to see ourselves as different or unique from the rest of the world. Or we choose to see the world just as we are, where different and unique is the way it is. Intrinsically, We are all unique manifestations of existence. That is the unchanging truth. So in the former, we keep searching for somewhere to belong, outside of us. But the thought itself that ‘I am different’, has created a blockage in finding belonging, oneness or communion. The former is a mindset of separation consciousness. And in the latter we keep fitting in everywhere we go as different, unique individuals. An individual can fit in anywhere because he ain’t searching for belonging. His ‘home’ is him. He is at ‘home’ wherever he goes. A search for Belonging is the biggest symptom of the Human condition. We all want a home, because we’ve forgotten that we are home. It’s just a perspective. A manipulated perspective, muddled
in the illusion of preferences and choices.
During these years of choices in building a relationship to self, are initial experiences of two of the most manipulated aspects of the human consciousness, to control ‘them’ like herds. One is ‘their’ relationship to sex and the other is ‘their’ relationship to money (sometimes also referred to as Identity, in the material world). But first ….
A window to the illusion of freedom
I was raised in what we call a ‘Joint family’ in India. So three nuclear families under one roof, not so much because of the financial inability to support a nuclear family but more so because of the conditioning of what ‘family’ is really about. Brothers and their families + grandma must live together. And domestics helpers too in a three bedroom apartment. My cousin brothers and myself were growing up together with no separate rooms. So as I was approaching my 13th birthday, my parents and me unanimously decided that it’d be fun to explore life without nagging parents at a boarding school in the Himalayas! 😁.
I’ve always kinda been one to seek an adventure, so it was a yes to a boarding school. My parents didn’t know much about boarding schools then and so initially for the first 6 months I was in a convent in a tiny little hill station in the Himalayas. Very reputed, but a convent. Let’s just leave it at that for this post. Don’t feel like going into that today. A convent in itself was very new for me. Completely controlled by the knowledge of the garden of Eden. A window that would remain shut had I not agreed with my parents, just to see what it’s like. What was even more new, was an all girls boarding school. I had migrated from an all girls day school, with a counterpart boys school just across the street. I had cousins and friends who were boys and we were the same age. They went to the counterpart school. I grew up with boys and girls alike, as children. Here, there were only girls and nuns and some wired rules.
A window to sex
So these rules …. A specific rhythm to clap, a specific way to sit, the way to eat. I remember, we were punished for peeling a banana with our hands and eating it. The peeling, the chopping and the eating, all must be done with a fork and knife only! No hands. Why though, I’ve forever wondered! But yes, I’m grateful to have learnt the art of how to peel a banana with a fork and knife, if I’m ever on gunpoint to do so (or to win a trip to the moon). 🤩
Anyways, at that age, we start to explore freedom amidst rules & sexuality amidst a world where sex is suppressed and thereby used to mind control too. As our bodies grow so do our sexual urges. This place had no boys and of course, the girls were exploring their sexuality with the same sex. My first kiss, my first sexual experience was with a girl. We called it ‘making out’ then. There were no boys around and I too wanted to experience what was being experienced by everyone around me. So I opened that window. Did I enjoy the view? Well what’s there not to enjoy in an expression of affection towards you? It’s humbling. But that place wasn’t for me. Too many rules for a free bird like me. In 6 months I ran away from school and called my mom from a shop in town. I asked her to come get me Coz I was Cloister phobic in that environment. There was some emotional discomfort after, but everything heals faster at that age.
Another window to sex
After that, my parents and me were back on the decision making table. Now, did I wanna go back to a boarding school or stay at home. I didn’t like the stupid rules which made no sense to me, but I did enjoy the freedom and independence I had away from home, to experience life on my own. So I chose once again to go back to a boarding school. This time I landed myself in an even more reputed school, with 60 girls and 700 boys 😁. What fun!
Here I experienced my second kiss and my second, third and fourth ‘make-out’ experience. This time with boys. Was it different? The way affection was expressed by a girl and boy was different but the affection itself was no dufferent. Essentially they were both glimpses of Love expressed differently. I enjoyed them both but I knew this second time, third, forth time; that the feeling of the warm, heavier hands of a boy on my body and to feel the coarseness of a boys growing facial hair on my face as he kissed me; was taking the experience to a different level for me. It became my preference. During those years I could’ve chosen either or both, as some others in my friends & family have certainly chosen. I’m grateful I experienced both as early as I did. These experiences allowed me to remain open and non-judgemental towards sexual preferences of individuals, without even realizing it until now. It allowed me to experience so many conversations & some great friendships with the ones who continued to choose the alternate path than the one I had chosen. Learn from them too as I experience my own. To me each one of us is unique in any case.
A window to Love
Don’t matter the path, don’t matter the preference; what matters is love. Sex is an expression of love and the lowest at that. It is merely a release. All expression is a release, all ‘doing’ is a release; but it can also become a ‘giving’. Love is ‘giving’. Love is not an expression, it is our true nature that only needs to give. Surely our nature can be expressed in more & higher ways than sex. Devotion for instance. Gratitude. The expressions of love range, as it rises, from desire to prayer.
Sex is an expression of desire, Surrender is an expression of devotion & communion is an expression of prayer 🙏🏻 Only Desire can be manipulated as it is attached to that which is temporary, our body & mind. Beyond that Love cannot be manipulated because beyond desire, the need of the other is no more to ‘Love’. Then ‘Love’ has risen to a spiritual realm, it has transformed to Divine Love.
Love is beyond sex
In both of my experiences, in my choice to sexual preference, and after that, beyond a point, the sexual experiences became boring anyways. 🙄 The need of the body and need of the Soul is totally different. Body needs stimulus, soul needs to give Love. At first, I thought because I was conditionally holding myself back from penetrative sex, I was loosing interest in the experience, not the being.
‘Going all the way
as ‘they’ say’
I was stubborn, that I’d only loose my virginity to the man I marry. Back then I associated love with marriage. I lost all my ‘boyfriends’ to my rigidity and lost my virginity to a player, who I didn’t marry. But every cloud has a silver lining. I discovered at loosing my virginity that I’d missed nothing missing penetrative sex. Only the guys were missing out… well … not completely though 🤔. I was giving enough in my expression of desire, just not my flower 🌸 (all the ‘F•R•I•E•N•D•S fans can relate I’m sure ☺️)
Even after going ‘all the way’, it turned boring after a while. But there’s something beyond sex that never bores me. I never left a man I ‘thought’ I loved, until I experienced true love. ‘They’ left me, with glimpses of Love, from the windows I opened. I discovered there was something of Love in me, beyond the sex, very early in life. It took Spiritual Love to break the illusion of the purity of what I thought my Love was. It was only friendship, commitment, loyalty, respect, admiration and a desire to ‘make it work’ in the name of Love. All desire is of the ego, even the desire of enlightenment. I always had more than sex to give in love. I just wasn’t given the opportunity to express love beyond (worldly) desire, because I didn’t understand my own Love back then. As within, so without.
A window to True Love
When true love happened to me, at first, there was no desire for sex, only a need to express and … for the first time, a desire to create something beyond me … a baby. That was a desire too of the woman’s body to express its life force energy, which is essentially released in largest quantities with sex. That is why, sex is spiritual if experienced correctly. We have not been taught spiritual sex, where the need of the body & the soul are one. It is an art and is meditative.
The rising life force energy has a nature only, nothing else, and it is Love & Love is God. Bhagwan has explained the rising of life force energy in his most controversial discourse, available in videos on YouTube (edited of course by OIF) & in a book titled, ‘From Sex to superconsciousness’ (संभोग से समाधि तक). And that is where Tantra comes in, where Love meets meditation.
My expression of love has been surrender since an early age. My love starts at devotion not desire. Because sex wasn’t as important to me in the expression of Love, I believed that something was wrong with me. I just didn’t know, sex can be transcended, and I very well could have transcended it in a previous life. Now that would be a soul imprint, wouldn’t it? Sex can be transcended through meditation. And if sex turns meditative it can enlighten two beings in an instant. Sex cannot be suppressed, but it can be transcended. And that journey can be an experience with the art of Tantra.
Love Cannot be Transcended
Sex can be transcended.
But … love cannot be transcended. The thing is A man’s ego wants to be needed by a woman and the Man himself needs her Love. And A woman’s ego wants to get love from a man and the woman herself needs to give her Love. And this unawareness of our own Human Condition keeps us in a constant inner struggle with ourselves. I must know what attracts me, not my ego.
I’m not attracted to form, I’m attracted to the formless I experience, through the emotional intellect of an individual. Therefore my love cannot be manipulated. As I transcended further with meditation, that desire of a baby too, dropped. Actually I’d say it transformed to something more spiritual. To study the art of Tantra, the teaching of Shiva to Shakti, in an expression of Love. So far I see no Shiva to teach me, I know there must be a Shiva who’s willing to learn together 😊. It is the fastest path I’ve found to raise Love from devotion to prayer, but first Love must be there.
Love is the Bright White Light
Love is not romantic or plutonic as I’ve found. At most it can be karmic or spiritual. Karmic love is not really love, it is a relationship to balance the karma of our outward reality. And spiritual love is true love, it is only a ‘relating’ to evolve on our own soul’s path. Karmic Love ends at desire, it has no interference with spiritual Love. It is not of the spiritual realms, where spiritual Love births & breaths. Spiritual love starts beyond desire, at devotion. It has its own journey, beyond the material and the physical. It is from the beyond.
Sexual preference doesn’t matter, only Love matters. True love. For instance, my preference is a man’s body (and I know I’ve enjoyed a woman’s body too), and … I fall in love with a man whose feminine expression is strong. A creative man is of strong feminine expression. The expression of the heart. I’m surrendered in Love & yet I love feminine men. 😊 The moment we see a glimpse of Love, regardless of sexual preference, or form; by allowing ourselves to fall deep into love wherever it flows, we can rise high to communion in prayer. Because Love is God.
Love is divine nature. It is the consciousness behind all there is. In both sexual encounters with a girl & a boy, I had experienced glimpses of love. As they say in spirituality, love is neither homosexual nor heterosexual, it is bi-sexual. Love expressed as sexual preference is a desire, which can flow in any direction, until the heart chakra is transcended. Beyond that the ‘other’ is not physically longed for or needed to express love. Then love is only ‘being’ expressed through gratitude, celebration (together or alone), devotion and prayer (in communion with another or divine).
From Sex to Superconsciousness
Essentially, homosexuality is an aspect of the human condition which is an expression of an aversion to or an attachment to the same sex. As heterosexuality is to the opposite sex. All preferences are conditioning that don’t hold strong beyond the attachments of the heart. Even the type of body we prefer, is a preference and has nothing to do with the experience itself. Only if I step out of my preference, will I know a new experience. So beyond the heart, the body don’t matter anyways but as love rises beyond desire, which is comprised of conditioning through past experiences only; I’ve seen, preferences also change. Change is the only constant.
Bhagwan explains this process as well, in relation to the life force energy & love, in his discourse, ‘From Sex to superconsciousness’.
Nature is Divine. Nature is Natural
What was that ‘extra’ with the boy for me? Something about the meeting of the opposites. The hard and the soft, the masculine & the feminine. Something of the balance. The natural surrender that happened in me, how nature had it be. The bodies of men & women are designed the way they are, for a reason. For life to flow and be created. Penetrative sex is not for the pleasure of the woman. Well ‘they’ seem to enjoy it, but I don’t believe ‘they’; I believe experience only. Penetrative sex is a gift from existence for the man, for his pleasure. For his life force energy (love) to flow & be ‘given’ to life itself. The Divine designed ‘Her’ to give love, as an expression of gratitude by accepting ‘His’ Love, in celebration of life. His love starts at the lowest chakra and reaches the heart over time. Her love starts at the heart and flows to the lowest chakra over time. That is why, it is both true that love happens over time & Love happens at first sight.
Love finds it’s natural flow & counterpart when it rises beyond desire. And all desire must be experienced to be transcended. That is the beauty of nature and nature is ‘giving’ & nature ain’t constant. It is forever changing. Love is nature. Nature is God. Love is god.
A window to Work
At about the same age at 13, my mom, being a ‘karma yogi’ (one on the path of the doer), started conversing with me about what I wanted to ‘do’ in life and how I can prepare for it. I wanted to act, but that I was fearful to tell her. So I came across as someone who didn’t want to ‘do’ anything at all. That was a huge concern for her. So the drilling conversations continued for years until I ‘opened’ another window without telling mom and then told her I was moving to Mumbai to ‘act’. This was 8 years later.
Before that because I said nothing for all of these years, mom would get me some paid job during my holidays to teach me the importance of work & money. At the time my father was at the peak of his career in sales and was travelling the world, getting me used to a lifestyle of material & luxury brands, which he himself enjoyed. My mom was always the breadwinner of the family. So she was earning equally well if not more. My parents are both fairly financially independent. I didn’t need to ‘earn’ money but she wanted me to learn how to spend it more than earn it. and didn’t want my dad’s modest financial background, to become a reason for my attachment to money and material. She was raised in luxury and worked very hard for a life as such too despite her then circumstances. The ‘They’ on her journey.
A window to money
I’m grateful that once again I accepted my mom’s persuasive argument on why I should work at the age of 13, when all of my other affluent friends were not working. But It ‘worked’ really well. That window was a big one that took me no time to figure out. I learnt so early that money can be earned in so many ways. And it is only a means to an experience that I spend it on. It is not the end. I wasn’t attached to it and because it brought me both material and adventurous experiences; I could never be averted to it.
I am grateful for money when it’s there and I celebrate my gratitude in many ways. When it’s not there, I’m grateful for the humility I experience in its absence. Whether it’s sexual preferences, work, money, a project, a goal or a desire of physical love; What I fear is how I will look to others when I open a window that is only mine to open. Will it be worthwhile opening the window? How will I know unless I open it?
Wishing upon a star – Manifesting Magic
Can I open a window and expect to not see others at all? Just me & the view? That’d be amazing! And then we’d open all the windows. Sounds impossible right? But it’s not. Manifestation is a mystical, cosmic superpower, called a ‘siddhi’, that a meditator discovers on his path. Like everything else, it is a divine gift which is the birth right of each one of us. Siddhis are here to help us proceed further on our soul’s journey to total enlightenment. Transcending all dualities to total freedom & and only pure love. Enlightenment broken down into two words is freedom & love. And Love is Freedom. Enlightenment is also our birth right.
A Siddhi, It is not meant to become attached to. Once manifestation ‘siddhi’ has served its purpose, a meditator must allow it to drop as well, if he wishes to proceed further into the unknown. To his highest potential. To the most divine experience. Also, regardless of our conditioned ‘view’ and preferences, we are unable to manifest anything of matter, a person, a body, a gender, money, a job etc. we are only able to manifest an unknown experience of how we wish to feel.
The Gift don’t belong to me
A ‘Siddhi’ is then essentially a gift. When inspiration (or calling as I call it) is there, before it is dropped, it can be shared. Sharing is giving and giving is the only language of Love. Sometimes Siddhis are a gift to earn a living and sometimes just to share.
Regardless of a home, a job, a person, a project, a car, a holiday or whatever else I manifest, it doesn’t belong to me. My ego certainly believes it all belongs to it but I know. I know, I’ve manifested it all into my reality for an experience that will push me forward on my own souls evolution. So I don’t fear loosing anything of what I experience. But when I experience it, I experience it so totally with intensity, that when it drops, I don’t miss it. We miss that which we’ve not fully experienced. What we’ve fully experienced, gets boring. Life is a journey of experiences.
A Siddhi will not always be in our experience. We will transcend experience itself in the journey of the soul’s conscious evolution.
Transcending experience to experience
Easier said than done though! So a simpler explanation would be to keep it simple 😊. Open the window without any expectation of a beautiful or ugly view, only with gratitude for whatever experience is to come. It is here for a reason. All windows are here for a reason. If we don’t open it in this life, we will in another life. If not in this dimension, then in another dimension. We are not separate from our experience, yet we are not our experience. Once the window is open, there will be the beautiful & the ugly. Both are Only an experience. Only a reflection of the beautiful & the ugly within us. Accepting both the beautiful & the ugly, is to accept ourselves completely. Also it ends the fight against the negative experiences we are fearful to encounter. Being non attached to the beautiful and being non-averse to the ugly.
Then to ‘be’ still and experience the beauty and become beautiful. To become the experience. We must ‘be’ it to transcend it. As we become more beautiful inside, the ugly will begin to vanish outside. Focusing on the Love not the preference. The experience not the money. Focusing on the mirror, not ‘them’. Reflecting the beauty, accepting the ugly, and just ‘being’. Wishes do come true, we can see the view we want to see, even a window without others; if we are just willing to ‘be’, non-attached & non-averse.
Surrender vs Giving up
I’ve experienced, in small and big manifestations on my journey; that the manifestation happens after surrender. Not ‘giving up’ but surrender. ‘Giving up’ doesn’t bring in manifestation. It brings in nothing. By ‘giving up’, we are cutting off the journey abruptly and the experience comes back in other forms until we learn to surrender. The window can be closed but the view cannot be unseen. Sometimes we come back lifetimes after lifetimes to repeat the experiences of unlearned lessons, just so that existence can bring us the blessings waiting lifetimes for our experience. Show us windows waiting to be opened for lifetimes at a stretch.
The ‘doing’, the effort is extremely important. The effort to create all the beauty in the windows we’ve opened. It is the effort, that brings us to a moment when we are ready to give up. Only effort can bring us there. But the soul never gives up. It knows that the experience is here for its own evolution & transcendence. So it surrenders the effort, the ‘doing’ and starts to go with the flow of life. It starts to see the beauty in everything life is showing it. Soul surrenders easy. It is not a doer. Ego don’t know surrender. We have to teach it. Or allow a master to do so. With surrender, Then we are co-creating. It is only then that manifestation can happen; if not in this lifetime, then in another. If not in this dimension, then in another. But the experience has been created with our ‘doing’ for us to align with it.
Gratitude before manifestation
All ‘Siddhis’ are beyond the ‘I’. The ego construct, concept, conditioning; call it whatever. The ‘I’ belongs to the same world of death and time. The world of concepts and illusions to control man. The more the ‘I’ dies, the ‘doing’ is dropped; the more ‘siddhis’ are earned. They’re like awards & acknowledgements on our worldly paths. But with an added advantage. Siddhis are here to push us forward on our journey. Only the manifestations that are in alignment with our soul’s journey, actually manifest. Only the Siddhis we need for our soul’s journeys, are earned. It is a co-creative process.
Channelling meaningless words is also a Siddhi on my experience of life. I’m grateful for words even before I begin to write. It would be wrong to say that I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve been writing a fair bit but not blogs. I had gotten inspired to write a novel, over 3 months ago but only channelled an inspiring plot some three weeks ago. All my writing is being channelled into the book since. Fiction is hard to write and, ‘technically’, it’s my first. Apart from that, ‘Bhagwan’ wasn’t joking when he said I was ready to ‘be’ the New me in the world but not of it’. Moving into the post-development & pre-production phase of two projects that are developed to ‘show’ and entertain, with that which I attempt to ‘say’ through thousands of meaningless words. Also producing some content that is very close to my heart – mental health. I’m humbled because I was grateful even before they were ready for my experience! It sounds like a lot of ‘doing’ but really it’s not. I just open a window by saying ‘yes’ to life and then life itself does through me.
The stories I tell
The thing is, there are so many stories to tell. Different, unique views from different windows of life. But not all will align with my journey. Only the ones that move my soul will align with my journey. Some like to open their own windows, get inspired by their own view and tell a story & some like to see the view from the windows opened by others and tell an inspired story to more others. I enjoy the former, as long as the ‘I’ is still alive some.
I manifest my View
All our experiences are our own manifestations. At first, they are unconscious manifestations, then as we become more & more aware, we can consciously manifest our experiences. All these are manifestations of wishes I had at a point on my journey. My teenage experiences were manifestations of experiences that I needed for my journey ahead. To show me much later, where I was on my soul’s evolution. Everything happens as it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. In fact it is always happening. We must align with the happening. At this point, ‘I’ is on a different journey. The journey of its ‘death’ so that I can realize my highest potential. But my gratitude precedes the manifestations. I’m already grateful for the death of the ‘I’, the ego.
All of these manifestations are in alignment with my soul’s journey, it’s purpose; which is life itself. Which is the reason they are here, and there is no ‘I’ to decide, interfere or manipulate. Only a consciousness, to accept with gratitude, an experience to ‘watch’ that which is to be done through the journey of a non-doer. Every window, presents an opportunity to find a little more of ‘what I am’ and every window also places me in the sight of ‘others’, exposing me to their judgement. I can only experience the view meant for my individual sight, if I accept that I’m in ‘their’ sight, but that is of no value on my own individual experience of the view of life. If ‘they’ vanish inside, ‘they’ vanish outside. Like magic. It ain’t no magic. It is ‘I’ manifesting the view. When there is no ‘I’, there is no need for manifestation magic. Until then, ‘if it’s to be, it’s up to me’, to open the window.
Exceptional in my view
You see, ‘they’ are never at peace, never satisfied. And when ‘they’ see you at peace and happy & glowing, ‘they’ must pull you down to their vibration because life is a competition for ‘them’. So the more you focus on ‘them’ the more you will become ‘them’ too. Then you ‘do’ unto me as ‘they’ ‘do’ unto you. So I choose aloneness over ‘them’ on my journey. ‘They’ don’t exist in my View. It’s a new way of ‘being’ for me. Over the past few years of an inward and upward journey, I’ve lost touch with the outward ‘doing’. But …
‘I’ have opened the window ! 🪟 ‘Coz when there’s no ‘I’ to choose, and no ‘I’ to be manipulated, and no ‘I’ to be misunderstood; all the windows can remain open. My ‘view’ changes with the changing me. What remains unchanged is Love …
And the fact that everyone is different. Each one of us is unique. So unique that it almost seems like Humans were genetically engineered. But. … That is only how nature had it be. Nature’s rule in my view is ‘I am no different, if I’m different’. My view is that each of us is exceptional to our respective ‘they(s)’.
When I rise to being choice-less, situations present themselves with a choice, as a challenge to remaining choice less. This blog is inspired by a conversation my bestie and myself had a couple nights ago, over dinner. The conversation was about ‘The One’ as we call it. The one can really refer to anything that we believe is in true alignment with the expression of our being. Most literally the perfect match; be it a person, career, place, circumstance or thing. It is essentially ‘a wish list’, of all the qualities ‘the One’ must have to be ‘The one’ I pick.
The Conversation
So back to the conversation. My bestie has just returned from her first vacation with her boyfriend. At dinner, she is telling me all about her trip. New relationship, celebrating each other, understanding each other. So I ask her, ‘did you bond deeper?’ And she replies with a ‘yes, but …’ Essentially she likes him. He ticks all the boxes on that ‘wish list’ of ‘The one’. But she says, ‘I don’t feel the Love’. She hesitates for a moment as she says ‘Love’ but I’m so glad she still said Love & not spark. We all evolve through our own journeys. She says He’s everything on the list so I don’t wanna let such a great guy go. And because I’ve waited so long, I don’t want to settle either. Fair enough!
Although everything she said, was resonating with me, through my own past experience of ‘The One’ I picked by ‘The wish List’; we are all unique beings who write our story through actions arising out of our own individual experience of life. No two experiences are the same. Even a wish feels like a choice unless we can accept, transcend & be choice-less.
My approach to the Choice
Now I am approaching this conversation from a whole different kind of choice of ‘The One’ to pick for myself. An engagement ring 💍. ‘The One’ I’ve always wanted. When I had the opportunity to experience it in the way it is ‘supposed to’ be, engagement essentially, then I didn’t have the humbling ability to experience the one I’m to experience now 😊. Also I’d only be able to afford it through EMI instalments, as opposed to owning it cash down. A solitaire is a desire, I can’t love it; but it can always be a reminder for me and an expression of gratitude. The ring is the desire, what it celebrates is what I’m grateful for. As Love is God, Gratitude is prayer. Gratitude is the path to God!
I’m faced with my own choice, confused why that is; as I speak of being choice less 🤔. I’ve narrowed my search for ‘The One’ to the final two. I’m essentially buying the solitaire, which I’ve already picked. The setting is my confusion. It’s only the outward expression of the solitaire. One is by the ‘wish list’ and beyond, because my wish list was fairly humble. The other was not of the wish list at all but instantly drew me in. There was a spark. My expression through style, has always been flowing. Very feminine. The first one was exactly that. The one drawing me in was not what I ‘thought’ I liked. Contained & structured. The solitaire itself was rising upwards like a crown from within the structure. Like consciousness rising from the confines of the mind. It didn’t tick any of the boxes of the list.
Like When Love awakened in me. It was naturally flowing to him who didn’t tick any boxes but I was drawn to.
The conversation continues
My bestie asks me, ‘if he’s everything on the list, why don’t I feel the Love? And which way do I go?’ I reflect for a moment and allow myself to say, what has essentially inspired this blog post. I tell her, ‘I can’t tell you what to choose, no one can but I might be able to share why I feel you don’t feel the Love’
The wish list is a list, physical or mental, of all the qualities we would want in someone to be ‘The one’ I pick. The list includes everything we know we want or like. It don’t include that which we don’t know we like or don’t like. And even if it includes what we don’t like, it doesn’t include the rest that goes into making a being with all his layers. That stuff we may like or we may not like. A surprise or a shock. The wish list is not of what we Love, it is of what we desire. The person is the desire, the being is Love. And Love is a happening, not a doing or even a wishing. It usually happens when we’re not wanting. The wish list don’t include all that it takes for love to be awakened in me. Even when there’s an instant spark, sometimes Love never happens.
Spark & Love
Spark is the desire to know where the vibration the energy of another is at. The desire to know if this is ‘The one’. Essentially the desire to know if it’s a match. There is a mystery to it which slowly fully reveals itself, after the desire is achieved. Then the Spark is gone. Love is no mystery. Love is our true nature. When love is awakened by another, we just know it is there. Love May or may not be accompanied by a spark. Love has always known ‘The one’ to pick.
Spark is temporary unless channelled. Once it is channeled it can become permanent or for the long term in this current life. The same energy that expresses itself as desire, lust & greed, can be Channelled to be expressed as passion, drive & determination. Desire will die, passion can be made permanent. If you know that our journeys are never limited to a lifetime, then permanent is also temporary.
Love is eternal that is why it already knows. Knows that it flows innately in a direction. It is a pull. Being drawn to a person without knowing why. This is someone outside of the wish list. It is actually beyond it. It defies my past, my understanding of my own self & It defies my ego. This one is something more. And that ‘more’ is intimidating. Love is intimidating.
Permanent & Eternal
Permanent don’t change. It is a promise, that is binding. Something disciplined. It is mundane. Eternal is forever changing and evolving. Nothing & no one ever remains the same. Change is the way of existence. It is the only constant. When one is forever evolving & changing, we are presented with an opportunity to relearn the other again and again. It lives on in different forms. The intrigue is always reignited just by ‘being’.
A relationship can be temporary or permanent but Love will always be eternal.
The One for me
The one for me is the one that existence picks for me. It took a lot of meditation to get there. Until a couple months ago, however, I had only two points on a subconscious list for ‘The One’. Someone who creatively expresses his authenticity. And someone who is spiritual.
We are Conditioned to have a wish list of qualities that we want in the one. Essentially we want to be loved, needed by the one. But that is need not Love. The one is the one we want to give love to, we want to love, care for, nurture or protect. Who has awakened our own Love. He is the one that makes me want to give not take.
So since I ‘thought’ I wanted someone spiritual, Bhagwan showed me something. People who try to be spiritual, or who are essentially bored of spirituality but are attached to it as their ‘personality’ from a past, their act, or the ones who are in it for the wrong reasons; you take your pick. They have a tone of achievement instead of celebration in the expression of themselves. A true seeker or master of the self or another, will never accept he’s a master, no matter who comes and says ‘I learn from you’. He receives with gratitude and offers it to a higher source. A seeker, may or may not know how to give; but is always learning how to receive. Giving is not a huge problem, He doesn’t really know how to receive. So he celebrates everything he receives with gratitude.
I Love ‘The One’ I learn from.
I learn from a master, master of himself, his craft, his expression, or a master of many. A Master can really be anyone, a friend, lover, beloved, guru; who has my unconditional love & faith. Somehow, innately my love flows to those who I learn from. But as I’ve seen, A subtle way of feeding the ego is by expressing to the world that another holds you in high regard. As a sanyasin, I’ve seen that even under the disguise of a Maroon Robe & a Mala. The ego is the Human condition. The need to be needed. We all suffer from it to various degrees. Kind of like a fever.
Spirituality is the medicine to heal the Human condition. Spirituality is about the death of the ego. Nothing that feeds it is spiritual. So here we have what I wanted. ‘A spiritual being’ I can learn from. But with that we have a little extra too – a spiritual ego. Spirituality was on the list, spiritual ego was not. It was not even addressed.
An aware choice is Choice-less
Awareness is really about acting consciously. Knowing fully what energy, intention & impact we’re experiencing & putting out there with our action, choices & expression. Being able to see when we’re acting from the ego, the false & when we’re acting from the true self. In being aware to ourselves, we are aware of others too. In being true to ourselves, we see the truth of others too. We see things in them that we see in us. We are all mirrors, we just think everyone outside is a screen.
The one that celebrates the appreciation of others, is the Human condition
The one that is in celebration, in Gratitude, in Love, and in Devotion despite the others, is spiritual.
For example, when someone appreciates my celebration, prayer, devotion, to feed my ego, to get some ego stroked back; it is called flattering. It is the human condition. I can clearly see it but we all engage. And when someone just joins in my celebration without any appreciation, without any expectation; it is gratitude, is prayer, it is devotion & spiritual. He is there for him not me. We can be aware to this difference when faced with a choice. In awareness, we will be choice less as we can accept all as it is.
‘I’ pick ‘The One’
I’m not a friend who would help a friend to agree to my experience and go by that. I’m a friend who wants her to have her own experience, different from mine. It will be, because no two beings are the same. No two journeys are the same. Our journeys are what we are. And as Ram Dass says, ‘we’re all just walking each other home’.
All I can say at this point is that I know what I want. 🤩 I actually want the ring that I don’t want. 😁 Coz the one I want don’t draw me in and the one I don’t want does. Although diamonds are forever, I can’t be in love with it. I can be grateful for it. The one that draws me in, defies the wish list. Defies my past, defies what I ‘think’ I like. It’s ‘The one’ sent by existence. It’s the one I want to admire, look at, appreciate, care for. This one is nothing like I’ve experienced before. It’s an expression of who I am today and so I’m drawn to it. Simple. 😊 I’m grateful for this gift from ‘The Night Lord’.
The ring ain’t the gift. The understanding is. The understanding to have no list. To throw away the ‘Wish list’. To throw away all the wish lists, and to experience that which life itself has planned for me to experience. I got home & finally bought the ring I couldn’t even dream of; to celebrate the gift of understanding ‘The One’. I also got it engraved ‘From The Night Lord’. 😊
The last few weeks for me, have been nothing short of a ride down childhood memory lane. Possibly to finally surrender an old story and rebirth something new in the same space. Because so much is different. Not changed, I won’t say that. It’s all just new behind the same faces. As a new born, I’m told I was born just the way I am today. Long nails and long hair 😂. As a baby, I’m told I’d be lost in my own world for hours at a stretch. I could be in one position for hours, without a squeak, unlike other babies. Maybe I was meditating.
Now as a child of 5 years or so, I remember, standing in front of the mirror for hours and acting like everyone of authority I knew. My mother to start with, acting like she’s in office. Acting like she’s at home. Then my teachers, and of course all the Bollywood actresses. All these imaginary stories that I’d play out with my twin cousin 😁. He was just a couple months older to me, I look back now and feel grateful for him. He always agreed to play the secondary part in my story. We’re all the main character in our stories, aren’t we? But he agreed to be ordinary, and that was extraordinary. Interestingly, I’m to meet him next month as my travels continue, as so will this story. The Poser & the Watcher!
The thing is we’re all actors. In this play called life, we’re all actors, who see life, a play, from our character’s perspective. A child who knows at the age of 5 that ‘I’ love to act, to pose, to entertain, to pretend; is really just being honest and truthful to his nature. He is really enjoying life. When all the children around me were already wanting to ‘become’ the doctors & engineers in the stories; I was already an actor in the story.
Life’s a play
You’d think that after knowing all my life, that I’d want to ‘become’ an actor, and preparing for it; it’d be an easy ride. It wasn’t and it wasn’t meant to be. Even as a child, I remember being a sort of risk taker. I’d take risks on whatever I’d wanna experience. Not necessarily on everything my friends were experiencing. But I think what kept me detached from fear doubt guilt, shame etc of my choices, was this ability to take complete responsibility for my actions. Essentially, my acting. I never seemed to need anything or anyone outside of me to justify my experience. Good or bad, it’s just an experience. I was acting essentially. Action is acting. The doing. The doer. It’s who I grabbed from my immediate outer reality, I thought I was. With time I remembered that I couldn’t become an actor, ‘Coz I already am an actor, a poser.
Now, since the big Bollywood dream went to shit. I gotta be doing something with my life. Those around me always believed in me a lot more than I believed in myself. I believed in them. 😊. I started playing around with producing some little content here and there, which I didn’t like or even enjoy. Initially, the smallest hiccups, and I’d be in tears. I really have my ex to thank on this one. One fine day, during a breakdown I was experiencing, he asked me, ‘what do you want?’. Naturally, I said, ‘I don’t want to do this. I want to act.’ And he said something that, I’m not sure even he realizes, changed my life. He said, ‘then act. Act like a producer.’ And I really do see upon reflection, that I acted my way to it. Yes I learnt my way to it too but really I was just acting. The learning happened on its own for me to play my part. Life really is a play. And the ego, is the poser. It will be given only what it needs for the part.
Must Watch
Now the ego, the poser will always have its own story in mind. Even if the story meant to be told through me is bigger, more interesting than the one my poser wants to say; ‘I’ am stuck on my story. And to make it happen ‘I’ will fight to protect the ‘narrative’. This is all the outer reality though. In my outer world I know, ‘I’ am an actor. But an actor with no watcher, viewer, observer, admirer, critic; is useless no? That is what the outward Focused mind perceives. It is always looking for a watcher outside. It has denied, negated a whole side of reality. The inner reality. There is a watcher, a viewer, an observer in the inner reality. Watching everything but not admiring or critiquing. That part is left to the ego, the false, the mask, the face, the actor, the poser.
The watcher only watches. Without judgement, without attachment, it watches everything, everyone. At first, it watches with the poser, as the poser. All there is to watch, on the outside. That same watcher can watch the poser in me too. So called ‘Love’ had happened to me before but then ‘True Love’ happened only once so far. It first awakened the watcher in me. I hadn’t seen it but I knew something was watching and that this was different, ‘Coz the experience was otherworldly. I was seeing something in him. Something of the beyond, something of the divine. It wasn’t even him but this divine that I was seeing. Once you see someone as divine, there’s no way to Un-see it. You’ve seen their highest potential.
This I realized very recently. I felt and saw so much darkness around him, but that divine light was still there. Burning bright. What I see in him is potential. The potential that may or may not be realized in this life time. Potential that is in everyone. For reasons best known to existence, I was to see it in him. It was meant to be that way. I was so intrigued. So I watched. And as I watched, I started to realize in me, the potential I was seeing in him. Essentially, I was seeing his watcher. My watcher was seeing his watcher. The watcher later started watching me. And from that came the introspection, the reflection. The poser started to transform to that which was watching it. Not the object of my love. Not him. His light. The divine. That watcher, the mystic, the observer; is ‘it’. The poser started to become the watcher.
Must enjoy all the way
The moment the poser, the ego, what I thought of as the ‘I’, saw the watcher; the game really changed for me. There was no way to un-see what I had already seen. The actor had found its truest fan. One who will unconditionally watch, without judgement. I found what I was seeing in my beloved. I found my own ‘calm in the chaos’. Over the past six months of vipassna, I’ve learnt that it is essentially about watching. It is ‘the’ method of meditation, as they say. I’ve experienced that there is a very different kind of detachment that arises by just, watching. One where you’re constantly observing, watching yourself, without being attached to any part of it. You are there, free to love, free to want, free to desire; but you are free from it all. You are just enjoying a character. It is a great play of life unfolding before me.
Then life doesn’t really remain about achievement. It can’t, Because it is all just a play. Then all that matters is experience. The one who watches life as he watches a play, an act; cannot live but in the experience of it. The rest doesn’t matter. And somehow gets taken care of. The thing is the poser too awakens someday to the fact that’s been hidden in plain sight. All achieving minds are running towards a seat that many are running towards. Only one will get to sit on it. Achievement is for the exceptions. The ones who will be used as examples to pull the rest into the race. To promote the idea that ‘we can be an exception too.’ An experience, on the contrary, is free for all.
What is sanyas really? Many ask me. It is another act of the poser. A maroon robe, a mala around the neck, dancing to the tunes of the divine. What is it? It is an act. Another face. One that says I celebrate the experience of life. I’m not here to achieve anything. One that wants to be the watcher. The poser is the ego. The ego wants to achieve all that it wants. Now it’s bound to want to master the watcher, the being, the non-achiever!
But it can’t, because the watcher doesn’t fight. It can only be understood. It just watches and leaves the poser to do what it wants. Vipassna says, whatever you watch, becomes conscious and doesn’t function at its potential. There is no need to fight it. Once the poser meets the watcher, it can’t perform as it used to. Then slowly but surely it becomes aware of the act. It becomes the watcher because it too is aware of the watching of the watcher at all times. But it is not the watcher. It is only playing the watcher. It is being a non-doer. And in it’s non-doing, it is experiencing the play called life. Then even death is a part of that play.
The show must go on, ‘it will’, ‘I’ say
Krishna, the greatest poser of all times; had such an insignificant death that hardly anyone knows about it. I do, but only because I’m a geek for spiritual studies. But it’s not important here. What is important only is why his death is so insignificant. Because death is insignificant in itself. Krishna is a symbol of life. And by his way, winning is insignificant too. Life is an experience not a competition. When Krishna says to Arjuna on the battlefield of Mahabharata, ‘you cannot kill anyone. It is your illusion. You cannot win, you cannot loose. You are just playing a part. So pick up your weapon and accept your destiny’; he is speaking the truth. Death is the biggest illusion. Death of the body is no death. It is the death of the soul, & the consciousness that kills us really.
This play, called life don’t end with death. We say, ‘let us bide our time’, till the next opportunity. But really that time is wasted. Nothing ends with death, nothing births with life. it is a continuum. It is already there. essentially, ’I’ must align vibrationally with ’it’ …
what you seek, is seeking you.
Rumi
We get a relief with death, on the contrary. A sort of sleep before the next day. Depending on how evolved a consciousness is, The soul is incarnated again within 13 days to 300 years later. Then we are playing a different character, in the same play. The achievements of the dead character won’t even matter but the soul touching experiences of the dead character will certainly play their part. Again & again. A different ‘I’ will experience the mysteries of life and look for logic in it. A different journey but the play is the same.
The poser never stops. It is like time. We move from mask to mask. The show continues. And the watcher watches life time after lifetime. The poser is temporary, the watcher is eternal.
We’re all posers, in the same play
Once the watcher is discovered, the poser can never be the same again. It has seen its temporary nature. It knows now that it is just a poser like everyone else. In this play called life, he is not in control, unlike the poser believed before meeting the watcher. But the ego doesn’t give up, my friend. Surrender happens despite the ego, and without denying it. Some choose to pose with a mask. Some prefer a thinner mask. But a poser must be masked. who is masked though? The watcher is masked. The closer the poser is to the watcher, the closer he is to his authenticity. A thin mask maybe, but a mask none the less. the watcher needs a a mask. the watcher is the ’being’ not the doing. The watcher is feminine energy. It’s truest expression is meditation. she can be expressed through the soul but again the soul doesn’t really have a language. She cannot birth without the mask, The doer, the masculine. The Poser is ’He’, the Watcher is ’She’.
So in all honesty, a truly authentic person cannot be consistent really. The dualities of life will show through in his being. One day he will be ‘this’ & another day he will be ‘that’. And both will be true. Not subjectively. Together both will be the complete truth. When one is inconsistent, he is also considered unreliable. But he is reliable to the self. He is consistent to the self. Aligning his act, his actions, his pose; with the situation presented by life.
A truest authentic ‘individual’ cannot make a promise for the future. He knows the future doesn’t exist and that he is a poser as well as a watcher. An authentic individual will be truest to his truest watcher. He will adapt to the situation and will choose the mask the story demands, not the poser. Authenticity follows the writer. He knows the back story that ain’t in the story. He will truly be Krishna himself. Unpredictable, undeniable, unacceptable, unapologetic. Living just in the moment. Dying with every dying moment. In the language of the world, a recluse. Recluse or not, he is free.
We’re all posers in the same play, life time after lifetime. We have a great gift in life to ascend to the role of the watcher. The watcher is neither ‘I’ nor ‘you’. It is ‘it’. The main role. The main character. The only character. The greatest experience & the greatest achievement. And what holds us back? The million stories we tell ourselves of why we aren’t free to be free. When the poser becomes the watcher; the watcher becomes the watched. Then there is only one face. The real character. That is freedom, that is love; because from that point on, no excuse or conditioning seems to justify inauthenticity. Then we’ve broken through that which holds us back from our greatest story, our best act, the utmost experience, the highest achievement.
Bhagwan says, ‘acting is the most spiritual profession.’ There is great depth to this statement. The poser is spiritual, when the watcher watches the play. Then don’t matter what the plot is. whatever it is, it is being watched, it is being healed. healed from the ’Human Condition’.
If you’re a poser,
Life’s a play,
Must ‘watch’✨
Must enjoy all the way!
The show must go on,
‘It Will’ ‘I’ say.
We’re all posers
In the same play!
~MaPJ~
Celebration is an expression. Much like creativity is an expression of the inner being; celebration is an expression of gratitude. Gratitude for all that life has to offer, the good & the bad, the happy and the sad. Life, much like healing, is not linear. It ain’t a straight line. Life is an experience in waves. The higher I want to reach, the lower I must be willing to fall. Celebration is being grateful for the highs and the lows. Celebrating just the joys of life, is like trying to create the peaks without the valleys. Where there are peaks, there have to be valleys. Together they make a beautiful scenery.
Celebration is an outward expression of the inner spirit. The spirit is a ‘being’, not a doing. So the spirit cannot celebrate. Only the ‘person’, the ‘I’, the ego can. But what is the ‘person’ celebrating? It is celebrating the spirit’s manifestation of life, in all its forms, with all its waves. I cannot describe the spirit. Can you? Many say the spirit is the vibe of a being but that ain’t true. The spirit is just another name for the soul. The soul is really existence expressing through the manifested being. So it is the vibe of existence, of being.
Existence is everywhere, within everything. In other words, existence is the soul, the spirit. The spirit which manifests not just in us as humans but also in animals and trees and the ocean and the skies. In everything really. When trees sway to the tunes of the winds, they are celebrating together. When the tides of the ocean rise with the pull of the moon, they are celebrating together. Spirit is manifested everywhere and it celebrates everything. The storms and the calms.
What is Spirituality?
What is spirituality?
Spirituality is an adventure into the inner world of the spirit, the soul. It is a way of life, a lifestyle, that allows to live authentically through the soul. Spirituality is really a study, a practice, to understand the purpose, the meaning of life; which is life itself. If celebration is an expression of the spirit, then spirituality holds immense meaning & importance in the life of a being.
More than ever now, we see people on journeys of self-discovery. I’m not sure what exactly they’re looking to discover. There is nothing to discover. Whatever it is that we are looking for, is already there. Yet to find it, seek we must! We keep seeking for our ‘truth’, our authenticity outside. We are willing to walk miles; only to discover more new faces of ‘I’, our ego. The truth, the authenticity is not ‘out there’, but ‘in here’. We just need to remember and a step in the opposite direction does it. A step inward. Just a step and we’ve found it, our authenticity, our truth.
Truth doesn’t deny outward reality. The outward reality is real but it’s a manifestation of the internal reality. Outside is only one side of the coin. The other side is inside. Spirituality is a journey of accepting and transcending dualities inside. But trust me when I tell ya, they want us stuck in the dualities outside. They’ll do anything to keep us focused on the outside. To be able to look inside, we must quieten the mind chatter, that clouds it. This is only possible with inner silence, with meditation. But they’ve created so many distractions to keep us from silence, the diamond in the Lotus. I tell you, ‘spirituality without meditation, without silence is no spirituality. Celebration without spirituality is no celebration’. So, celebration without meditation is no celebration at all.
History of spirituality
Spirituality essentially, is as old as the spirit itself but it came into more prominence as a religious practice from the advent of society. It’s original concept can be found in all organized religion. The idea of a god separate from & outside of the self. Initially, this God was feared. The original God was scary really. He was tough, non-compassionate, judgemental. ‘God fearing’ attitude is what organized religion instilled in people to control them. Unfortunately, religion still subconsciously conditions all humans to be fearful, even if we aren’t religious.
Then came a revolution called Jesus. He said, ‘God is Love’. He made God soft, compassionate, forgiving, non-judgemental. It changed the whole dynamic between man and God. The very relationship began to undergo a transformation. The attitude began to change from ‘God fearing’ to ‘God Loving’. But this was too threatening for the ones who had controlled people for centuries, on the idea of fearing God. Unfortunately, Jesus was crucified and Christianity was born under the burden of a cross. The largest population of the world is buried under the cross.
The world has always been controlled by 1% of the population that holds 95% of the world’s abundance, in all its forms. This leaves the remaining 99% of us, struggling in the dark, to sustain & survive. We are constantly in a fight with their own energies, living in an illusion of a happy future dependant on factors outside of ourselves. This is exactly how people are controlled like mindless animals.
These 1% also control the narratives of all organized religion. Man doesn’t find solace in the world or in religion. So the 60s & 70s saw a significant growth in drug culture, giving birth to the Hippie culture. In many ways, It’s still prevalent, as communities expressed in communities, essentially as a search for freedom together.
Srila Prabhupada, founder of the International Society of Krishna consciousness (ISKCON) movement
Freedom is always crucified
With more and more people, mostly in the west, searching for freedom in drugs & parties of togetherness, not only were the 1% now controlling the people but also supplying them with another illusion of freedom – drugs & a periphery vision of spirituality. Hippies, still moved in groups and looked for peace, joy, love & freedom outside of the self. That is when the western world was introduced to the mystics and gurus of the east. Most of these mystics & gurus were enlightened beings, healing others to find true freedom from the controlled herd, and from societal conditionings through meditation.
The east had always known them but the west now needed them. These mystics and gurus were making people fearless individuals, helping them find the real God. Not outside but inside of the self. They were helping these lost souls to find themselves. They were holding hands and taking them in the opposite direction, a step inward. Mystics revealed, for the first time to the western world, that freedom is in individuality and not in a herd. They were turning people’s pain into power. Amongst the most popular names of such mystics and gurus are, Srila Prabhupada, founder of the ISKCON movement & of course the most dangerous man since Jesus, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, founder of the Osho movement.
These were the Jesus of the new age and became very threatening for the 1%, the Vatican, the structures of the world. Almost all spiritual mystics, gurus and leaders have ‘mysteriously left their bodies’. Actually they’ve all been murdered, sadly by their own disciples. These particular disciples, when looked at closely, will always be the infiltrators, not the meditators. ‘They’ don’t want you to be free so they let you have an illusion of it. Freedom is always crucified, be it in the form of Jesus, Srila Prabhupada or Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, founder of the Osho Movement
Science of spirituality
Spirituality is really the scientific & artistic study of the spirit in relation to the body. To me art and science are the duality of life. The design and the expression. Creativity in one word. But We are conscious to only one body, the physical body. Beyond the physical is the emotional body & beyond that the etheric body and so on, up to 7 layers. The etheric body holds our energy circles, which correspond to spots on the physical body. We call these, chakras. There is also a main energy centre of all chakras, which pulls in energy from everywhere and distributes it to the rest of the etheric body. Much like the heart pumping blood to the rest of the body.
During the Golden ages, this energy centre was located in its rightful place, 2 inches below the navel. The Japanese call this spot, ‘Hara’. When the energy centre is at the Hara, we feel grounded, balanced & strong on the inside, which manifests outwardly as a grounded, balanced & solid life. The individual cannot be uprooted by anything outside of him.
During the Middle Ages, this energy centre moved upward to the heart chakra. Then even war was fought with love. It was all about love. When the energy centre is at the heart, we feel loving & compassionate on the inside, which manifests outwardly as a loving & compassionate life. A life of sharing. We are closest to our soul. Our true nature.
Currently in the Dark ages, this energy centre has further moved upwards to the mind. This is the danger. The mind pulling energy from everywhere without us even having to do anything. When the energy centre is at the mind, our life is chaotic, confusing, just an illusion because mind is the illusions, the ego, the false. A borrowed idea. This is what the 1% wanted from the start. Feed the illusion, control man.
Only meditation pushes the energy centre down to the Hara. Takes us from Mind to No-mind. Once we are there, it is forever bliss!
Surrender ain’t stupid, the ego is
The ego cannot accept anything or anyone higher than itself. It holds the crown at the top and never wants to fall. What is the ego really? It is an identity, a personality, a false face, an illusion created by all of the conditioning we have been subject to since childhood. Parents, family, friends, communities, religion, governments, society etc etc. in simple words it is a borrowed idea of the self. This ‘idea’ of the self is so strong that even the slightest trigger to it, makes us defensive, ready to fight for it. For its survival. We become conscious of everything around us but ourselves. we don’t watch ourselves.
We keep fighting our own energies, our true nature, our inner being; only to feed an ‘idea’. We keep suppressing our, wants, needs to feed the desires arising from conditioning. Naturally, we are in a major conflict with ourselves. Now that’s stupid, very stupid! Suppression is suicide. The ego is not loving, even to the self. It not pro self. It is only pro ego. The bigger the ego, the harder it is to surrender. The ego cannot even surrender to a higher consciousness who has broken through his own ego, let alone surrendering to God.
Surrendering is the art of giving a part or all of ourselves to a higher force to show us the way for our highest good and the highest good of all, even if that’s against the ego. Surrender is not giving up. It is the secret behind manifestation, behind co-creating our life with the divine. But the ego sees surrender as giving up. The ego believes it knows best because it is the highest. Even if ego wants freedom, it must find it on its own. It must ‘achieve’. It cannot ask for help. The ego cannot ‘look’ helpless even if the being needs healing.
The ego is only outward focused. It can only experience with the 5 senses. The sixth sense belongs to the soul, the spirit and therefore can only be accessed through spirituality. True spirituality, I must say. It is ‘Third eye’. So the ones who control, will give you a million different illusions of freedom, of spirituality, of success, of abundance; to keep your sixth sense asleep. They will feed your ego, the false but never the real, the true.
Better is not New
The world is controlled and influenced by the west. Rather I should say America. And the American way is all about making everything better. Better roads, better homes, better systems, better health, better education, better opportunities; even the better man. The American way is not about the new. It cannot birth ‘The New man’. The new requires the death of the old. The better requires building on the old. And the old is built on a faulty foundation of conditionings. So the better is always ‘bettering’ the faulty. The new requires a demolition of the entire foundation but that will break the illusion no? So they must better the illusion to suit the evolving human consciousness. Communities certainly support in that way. Celebration is one side of the coin, silent meditation is the other.
Let’s take this into the context of spirituality. The freedom seeking ones, wanting to ‘find’ themselves; over the years have created communities that move together & celebrate together. Back in the day, they called themselves Hippies and now there are many names. A community of people that meet to celebrate ‘Love & light & life & music & all the good things that sound lovely’. It’s really just a party of Hippies, maybe without the Booze and/or the drugs. But it is celebration. Which is essential.
They call them spiritual and the world let’s them be. Why? Because they are not a threat. True spirituality is always a threat. If they were spiritual, they’d be done. My commune in Nepal is under constant threats of shut down by the osho international foundation itself; which Swamiji has been fighting for over 30 years. The only reason it’s still alive, is because it’s situated in a spiritually advanced country like Nepal.
Most of the other communities may find temporary joy in celebration outside of the self. The state of bliss, of being unaffected by peak or valley; but it doesn’t last. That is potential, unrealized.
Be unique, be irresistible – be an individual
From my heart, I really sympathize with them. They are so lost 😢. Their egos are too big to surrender. Not them. They are trying to find a way. We all are. Some have just always been more awake to it. But they have no one to show them the way. Someone without an ego. The ego must arrive itself! And all they arrive at is another face of the false ‘I’. Spirituality kills the ‘I’ and births the ‘I am not’. These methods are just a temporary relief & worse, another way to suppress that which must be faced. I repeat, suppression is suicide. Freewill is not freedom. Freewill is the freedom to choose. Freedom to choose is not freedom. It is an illusion of freedom. True freedom is the freedom to be choice less.
True spiritual beings are truly unique. They stand out of the crowd. They’ve found their individuality by walking an inward path alone. They remember, they came alone, they’ll go alone. They are grateful for companionship, for a friend, for company, for a community; but they are more grateful for aloneness. Not lonely, just alone. They cherish their aloneness. celebrate their aloneness. They exude a different kind of energy. One that is totally unapologetic & charismatic; which makes them irresistible to most unawakened and many awakened too. This is a gift, to awaken others by awakening the self. It’s almost impossible to find others like true spiritual beings.
Spirituality is an individual path with Individual experiences, which are then celebrated together within a communion, not community. Celebration, it is always a celebration of individuals, celebrating their own unique path, with immense gratitude for all that life has to offer. They celebrate the peaks and the valleys with equal enthusiasm, with the same kind of gratitude. In fact you’ll find them more grateful for the lows than the highs. Do you know why? Because they see from higher consciousness, which they’ve arrived at through meditation. They see the 5D plan & the 3D play.
Spirituality without meditation is no spirituality. Celebration without spirituality is no celebration. So, celebration without meditation is no celebration at all! Are you spiritual? What exactly are you celebrating?
Original vs 1st copy
Knowledge without experience,
Is no knowledge at all.
Creation without vision,
Is no creation at all.
Prayer without gratitude,
Is no prayer at all.
Seeking without devotion,
Is no seeking at all.
Surrender without Faith,
Is no surrender at all.
Connection without synchronicity,
Is no connection at all.
Friendship without purity,
Is no friendship at all.
Self love without selflessness,
Is no self love at all.
Love without intensity,
Is no Love at all.
Celebration without meditation,
Is no celebration at all.
Transformation without spirituality.
Is no transformation at all.
Evolution without the ego death,
Is no evolution at all.
Meditation without silent practice,
Is no meditation at all.
And ….
A Life without knowledge & creation,
prayer, seeking, surrender & connection,
Friendship, self love, Love & celebration,
Transformation, evolution & meditation;
Is no life at all.
It is not original, meant for eternity; it is only a 1st Copy, not meant to last.
Tapoban International Commune in Nepal
Original vs 1st copy – Inspiration
This poem, came as a channeling to me, about a month ago, back at the commune. It was after an hour of Vipasna, at Bhagwan’s samadhi. I read it then and I didn’t fully understand it myself. So I put it away. This morning, I woke up with a clear idea of this post sharing. I knew it was inspiration. So on the first flight I started writing it. I was up early to catch a flight home. And had to meditate an hour before leaving. At the end of the first flight, a damage on one of my suitcases, by the airline, inspired the purpose of this post. It’s meaning.
Then on the second flight of over 4 hours, I wrote the rest of this post, except this chapter. Which is specifically inspired by what I had learnt of the ego, through my own response to the suitcase situation. When the ego ‘sees’ and it knows that it is the original, it will protect it more. So the ego can surrender but only to the original, the true, the authentic. But ego must see to know and … who will show it. We are all the ego. Only one who has the real, can show the real.
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Samadhi, Tapoban International Commune, Nepal
Community is 1st copy, communion is original.
In a community there is celebration, in a commune celebration is also a meditation. In a community there is Freewill, in a commune there is a freedom. and a master to prune the ego for freedom 🙄. In a community, it is about ‘us’, in a commune, it about the ‘I’. Actually, not ‘I’, it’s about my ‘eye’, not the ‘I’. A community is together, a commune is together in aloneness. A community seeks together. A commune is ‘being’ together. A community without a master, is built to be temporary. A commune with a master, is the way to eternity.
The one who has experienced the original, don’t really care about the 1st copy. But the original is very expensive. You gotta pay for it with yourself, your whole ‘I’ and be nothing. Only a few can afford it. The 1% are amongst them. They don’t control for themselves. The 1% too have surrendered their ‘I’ to the ‘eye’. They too control for the one they see as ‘God’. Whatever the face, whoever your God, your true God, is who you are. Because you are ‘it’ – you ‘God’. Regardless of what the original looks like, it is original. It is the ‘eye’. Shiva’s third eye.
A community is a 1st copy of the original celebration of life, so they let us have it. A commune is the original celebration of Life, so it threatens them. And with this chapter, which I wrote after my evening meditation, connected the poem which I had written a month ago, at the commune. Now I understand it fully.
Back in the early days of my Sanyas, I had asked my master a question, ’how can a commune ensure that there wont be infiltrators and only meditators. I ’see’ ‘He’ has answered it today. It seems we can’t but under a master, they may also be transformed. A commune is not a community of people with the same interest or love for the same. A commune is a communion of very different people, with no similarities, common ground, no point of merging; being alone together, for the common Love of the Divine. I understand the purpose of this post on the Lunar eclipse – ‘the original life is the most expensive, one must loose it all, to have it all. that is why very few live it. very few can afford it.’
I understand, an Original Life of authentic celebration is dangerous to say the least, it is a complete jump into the unknown, because it is rare. It is about dropping the entire past. It is not for the faint of heart. Never getting too comfortable in one place. Living on the edge of life, ready to celebrate whatever it brings! Ready to fall, ready to rise. ready to live!
Are we living it? What exactly are we celebrating?
