lie

Surrender

Surrender is truly an art. They say the most beautiful expression of love is creation. And the most exquisite expression of creation is the ‘being’ of love. The ‘being’ of love is really just an expression of a ‘being’ in surrender; expressed in celebration of the gift Love is, life is. ‘Surrender’ – the word has such a negative feeling attached to it though. It gives the sense of ‘giving up’ on life. Actually surrender is something completely different. It is actually ‘not giving up’ on life; it is only a ‘giving up’ the fight with life. Surrender is to accept life – finally. Surrender is true freedom. 

Have you ever experienced laughing uncontrollably & crying profusely, both at the same time? Over the past months, ‘I’ have. It’s a beautiful feeling. One that cannot be expressed in words. But I kept trying to, these past months, which I am remorseful about, for words from a wound can certainly be harassing. Didn’t understand, now, I understand 😊🙏🏻.

What I can say about tears & laughter together though, it is a profound expression of surrender. A word, of which the true meaning cannot be understood, without experiencing it. Yet, I try in this blog post, that makes me cry here and there & makes me laugh here and there. 

I’m hoping I can bring you a glimpse of a life in surrender through my own journey & experiences, both inside & outside The Temple of Love. 

A little of the past

I am born with the Sun ☀️ in the first house of my birth chart. The first house governs consciousness, the ‘being’, the true self. The Sun ☀️ is not a planet. It is the light that all the planets revolve around. It is pure Divine Masculine energy, a symbol of enlightenment. Yet, the path to enlightenment seems to be in the understanding & acceptance of pure feminine energy. The path of love, the nature of which is surrender. A surrender to a dance of Masculine & Feminine energies with ourselves.

Ever since I was a little girl, I seemed to be seeking peace. I was seeking because although there was love but there was no peace at home. It’s a lot better now, because everyone has found their own space outside the home; but still, the atmosphere at home is a serious one. Close knit but serious. From home I learnt that life is a serious affair, quite contrary to what I learnt at the Temple of Love. Intrinsically, I enjoy laughing, singing, dancing, celebrating; much like my daddy. Yet, some of these expressions, growing up became serious activities of learning. So with that serious knowledge, I could seriously ‘become’ some ‘thing’ in the world. The atmosphere of a home is lead by the woman they say. Mommy is a serious expression 🫤

The Bone of contention

so mommy & me have not always been friends. Our bone of contention – I say, ‘let me ‘be’; and she says, ‘to ‘be’ in the world, you have to ‘do’ something.’ In other words, If life ain’t a struggle, there ain’t a story to tell. Unless one ‘becomes’ in the world, one is useless. The ‘being’ in itself has no meaning. So a child is told, he must ‘become’ something when he grows up. Until then the child’s ‘being’ is worthless. We all grow up with a sense of seeking worthiness. That’s where the root of the need to be ‘accepted’ rests. And in different ways, this aspect of the Human Condition shows up in trauma wounds that we trigger in each other without realizing it, without even knowing each other. To me the past dies every moment as taught by my master. Yet, regardless of the circumstance that the root of the trauma lies in, it is in the understanding that essentially the same wound expresses differently in different individuals; that common ground for peace & compassion can be reached.

The serious question

I had been asked a very serious question since I was 8, in serious talk sessions, on ‘what do you want to become? If you just want to become a housewife, then that is a full time profession too. I have to prepare you. Start thinking about it.’ So I had prepared an answer since then, for when the serious talk ‘became’ a serious question. I still don’t know what I want to become 🤔 because now I’m at so much peace with ‘being’ who I am. Thanks to Bhagwan. Yet, I needed an answer & sometimes I still find people asking me this question, ‘why are you escaping? What do you want to make of your life?’ ‘In other words’, ‘what do you want to ‘become’? It’s a fair question, for I have not ‘become’.
My ego construct with which I lead in the world of ‘doing’ is a gift of masculine energy from my mother. Grateful! Intrinsically, my ‘being’ resembles my father. This being, who I said ‘Oh hello 👋🏻’ to only post my sanyas initiation 2 years ago. Anyways, The terror I grew up with in my mother, who is now my best friend, is unparalleled. So I answered finally, ‘I want to ‘become’ an actor.’ They said earn your way back to film school. I did that and landed myself in a film school in India two and a half years later, after part time university & two full time jobs. Running a dance troop & selling shoes at the Hudson’s bay company in canada.

Sometimes I don’t understand jokes but in my own ‘self’ I often laughed at the joke of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. I’m slow sometimes to get jokes or I need some help understanding it but I enjoy laughing none the less 😂. The struggle between the ‘being’ & ‘becoming’ ‘became’ the split within me, manifesting as the lifelong ‘chaos’ outside. This constant struggle for life atmosphere I’ve grown up in had me constantly looking for an escape to peace. In other words, ‘the calm’.

Naturally, when there is stress and pressure all the time, so serious, it will lead to conflicts & fights in the environment. when a child faces any sort of assault or abuse in such an environment, the child feels unsafe to express it. The child is silenced, until something wakes his playfulness up again. Grateful! But there is no escape. I thought I found an escape for 15 years. It was only an illusion though. It was now the chaos of two ‘becomings’ not ‘one’. It was always two – ‘I’ & ‘you’. Peace or calm cannot be found, only claimed in the now, despite the circumstances outside. I finally decided to stop escaping & claim it, within myself, in a life in surrender.

My journey of surrender

Until I found surrender, I found no peace, I found no true freedom. Freedom from myself first. Freedom from the struggle of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. My journey of surrender began soon after my divorce. Intrinsically, I had no ambition, yet, from my mother I had received the gift of ambition & the gift of wisdom to know what I want & how to get it. Then love happened again. A love that was here not to love me, but to teach me, that love is truly freedom. Freedom from the ‘self’. Love was here to teach me that ‘in surrendering that which is most precious to me, I am freed from myself. The part of myself that is attached to the struggle to become peaceful, become the ‘calm’. Because peace cannot be found, it can only be claimed in the ‘now’’ – the biggest learning; the greatest gift of love I have found. Peace, ‘being’ in love, now. Regardless of what will ‘become’ of it. 
This lesson was not learnt in one stage of surrender though. It happened in three stages. The final stage that I am currently in the process of wrapping up. Each stage had me surrender a different aspect of myself that was blocking me from claiming peace within myself. Yet each stage of surrender also brought me closer to peace within myself. It brought me closer to accepting myself as I am intrinsically. The acceptance that I was looking for outside of myself, as an escape to peace. In things, in ambitions, in dreams, in goals, in people. 
I experienced through the stages of surrender, that each stage of surrender brought me closer to the truth of my ‘being’, which cannot be expressed in words. And each surrender was triggered by a lie. Each of those lies, today I am immensely grateful for & dedicate this post to. Today I celebrate lies before truth. And how grateful I am cannot be expressed in words. For I would never have known the truth had the lies not helped me realize again and again that I cannot fight with life. Peace can only be claimed by befriending it and riding the wave, wherever it takes me. For life is on the winning team always. I just want the freedom to choose the winning team. Because ‘I understand’ & always have … 

You can’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need.’ 

Surrender happened  

Yes, surrender too is a happening. It cannot be forced or ‘done’. Like love & meditation, it also just happens. During my struggling days in Mumbai, to ‘become’ an actor; as we all know, it can be tough, very tough to ‘become’. And that sense of self that is constantly in an insecure vulnerable place. We open ourselves up to immense scrutiny based on physical appearance & sometimes talent. When one’s chubby, you’re too fat. When one is thin, then your face looks too thin. Occasionally, when one lands an audition looking for talent, they’d ultimately cast someone who’d come through reference. I can’t blame them now, although it’s not something that I do, I understand how tough this industry is. And it is what it is. I am grateful to be able to express through the medium. I enjoy the challenges too. The whole process is fulfilling. And for some reason, the films I signed, never took off or just were shelved mid way. But that was all destiny. Bhagwan himself.
Life, just whispering in my ear, ‘surrender, I’ll take you where you gotta go.’ For the longest time, I couldn’t hear it, in the noise of the world of ‘becoming’. I heard it only during my first stage of surrender, once I’d already become some, little bit 😊. Mom super happy 😁

This first lie hit in just the right place – ambition to ‘become’ more, & that is what suddenly dropped. I accepted myself a little bit more, for the first time, without the need of any ambition. I suddenly felt like all the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I tasted a little of what true freedom feels like. I this first stage of surrender, ambition became the offering & I received a friend instead, who finally accepted me without the need to ‘become’ – His Consciousness Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh at his Temple of Love.

Surrender at the Temple of love 

When I was first brought to the temple of love, many women Sanyasins noticed my strong, masculine energy, & mentioned it in compliment. It allowed me to look for the feminine energy inside myself, that I needed as a disciple to grow on this path. A disciple is receptive feminine energy. And only feminine energy surrenders. Masculine energy protects. That is why, a little ego is needed too, to negotiate the world. But the path of sanyas don’t need masculine energy at all. Feminine is being, masculine is becoming.
The second stage of surrender happened in the first year of sanyas. I was still getting used to constant outside opinions & influence against my decision of sanyas; I was rapidly loosing friends & extended family, who were unable to understand why I would take to a path of sanyas. My decision was constantly being challenged, scrutinized & I was being influenced to drop sanyas itself. I was being called an escapist, yet for me I knew I had only just stopped escaping from myself. Yes that is the common belief of sanyas, that it is an escape from ‘reality’. But that is completely untrue. Sanyas is hard hard work on the ‘self’. There is no escape. All escape routes are closed. One must only sit with it all. To surrender, to claim the peace. To be free.
For the first time I had tasted peace, without escape. Right where I was, in my ‘being’. At home, finally. Within myself. Yet, the world would not stop telling me a big lie. That I can find freedom & peace without sanyas too. For me it was a big lie. Still in the world of ‘becoming’, my ‘being’ was a lie. At the time, many many (not one) were telling me this big lie of ‘becoming’ when I was finally in a space that was accepting me for ‘being’ my ‘self’. 

I was in a weekly silence at the temple of love & on the 5th day, I was walking down the bridge connecting our rooms to the main meditation hall. All this chaos outside was taking place during my week of silence. I broke down & almost fell to the ground. Before I hit the ground, my Buddha Bro, a brother from another mother, held me & lifted me up. Hugged me & said, ‘cry, it’s okay to cry. The more you cry, the more you’ll laugh tomorrow.’ And I started laughing. It’s true – the pendulum that our emotions are. That was the first time I experienced crying & laughing together in surrender. It was beautiful… I was in immense praise of the temple of love & Bhagwan’s consciousness at the time & was using words as a medium of catharsis. All the words saying only one thing, not to the world but to Bhagwan …

Let it be a little more of you & a little less of me …

A little more of Buddha Bro 

Buddha bro, having RE-birthed into sanyas, the same day as me; we have some past life connection for sure. I have a full blog post on the Buddha Bro for those interested in learning about the spiritual connection we share. We have definitely meditated together in many lives, for our energies are so aligned. But our journeys are poles apart. He comes from a broken family. Bullied through school, bullied by the elder sister & always told that he could ‘become’ nothing in life. Naturally he rebelled early as he was a totally neglected child. He had total freedom to rebel. Everyone into their own lives. Had to fend for himself from an early age. Had no sense of belonging at all. Naturally

Then he got tired of rebelling, quite early too. Or … did he fall in love? He says it happened simultaneously. Or … as I ask him, ‘was it love that asked him what he would get from this struggle with life?’ At the age of 19 he was introduced to the meditative path with Sadhguru & the Isha foundation. Ultimately took sanyas under the Neo Sanyas movement at the age of 33. Never could fall in love again, but found freedom from the self in surrender at the Temple of Love. Claimed peace in acceptance of self. 

After complete silence of over 5 years, the love of his life, called him one day. Said she needed his help. Her sister needed help with her mental condition. He invited her to the ashram. She came with her sister. He says they shared some of the most beautiful moments & her sister felt much better too. Well, on this path of love, love is found in the being of a being one cannot always have. So one just focuses on the ‘self’ & finds everything within. She was actually shocked to see his transformation. It triggered her to look at herself. For they are mirrors to each other. Despite the love, the trigger overpowered.
She left with some nasty words to him. She said that he was delusional for following this path & that real life is outside & that she hates Bhagwan for taking him on this fake path. He said something on the lines of, ‘you don’t know anything about sanyas or Bhagwan. Or even the last 5 years of my life. My love for you that connected me to myself. That helped me accept myself. How can you say that?’ 

She left & the sweet little thing that my Buddha Bro is, was left questioning his path altogether. He was so confused. So lost. So silenced within himself. To hear it from the one who’s being connected him to himself, can really break one. He was ready to give it up altogether. But Bhagwan, being Bhagwan, he brought me to the ashram three days later. 

A surrender with Buddha Bro

After my weekly silence broke, I said to my Buddha Bro, ‘if you leave the sanyas path, will she be with you? Will she allow you to give her your love?’ He replied, ‘probably not or else she would say that.’ So I asked him, ‘if this life is fake & the life outside is the only reality, then why is it that this one seems to cost more? Why is this one only exclusive to those who are willing & able to pay for it with the surrender of the whole self?’ It was not a question o was asking him. It was a question I was asking myself aloud.

He says, ‘that is what did it for me? I was never accepted for being myself, I had low self worth outside. Here I found acceptance of myself by surrendering my fight with myself.’ So I told him, ‘If you get what you want by leaving this path, leave it. Even Bhagwan is for it then, for he wants you to experience all your wants & desires to transcend them.’ There was understanding together. We found strength in each others stories and …

With that together, we surrendered our struggle with the outside world on our path of sanyas. And after this stage of surrender, I found peace & freedom in acceptance of all paths.

It was an experience surrendering with a loved one. We both accepted, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but you’ll always get what you need’. All we needed to do was to surrender that which is most precious to us. It is after my second stage of surrender that Bhagwan taught me total acceptance. Accepting all as it is. To accept that even though I don’t know or understand another’s path or perspective, I cannot just deny it. I have to accept my truth & theirs. My judgement in ignorance is what was surrendered in this stage. And the reward I received is acceptance. Accepting my ‘being’ a little more & accepting outside all as it is. Yet the surrender wasn’t total. Another lie had to happen for my complete surrender of ‘being’ & ‘becoming’.

The final stage of surrender 

I’m currently experiencing my final stage of surrender. Wrapping it up actually with this post, while gratefully, Buddha Bro is helping me out with The first meditation centre on my journey. Our guru, Swamiji Anand Arun put us together for this task as we live in the same city in India. I’m excited about this meditation centre after a very long time. Anyways. Off track … the final stage of surrender, Once again triggered by a lie. The greatest lie.

The lie ain’t important because any lie that leads to surrender is a divinely orchestrated happening to reach the truth. It is a divine lie. A white lie. Surrender essentially is an ego death. Big enough for one to say, ‘I accept all as it is’. And sanyas is the path of non-ego. I’m grateful for every blow to my ego over the years before & after my sanyas. I truly am. Today, in this moment I am. With tears in my eyes, I am in humble acceptance of all as it is. This final stage of surrender has been the biggest challenge on this life long struggle between ‘being’ & ‘becoming’.  

I’m learning from this stage of surrender, that  a sanyasin is so undefined in its ‘being’, that it can ‘be’ in any world. Yet, I understand why a sanyasin is always considered a renunciate, an escapist; Because he is ‘being’ in a world of ‘becoming’. And a sanyasin knows no becoming, only ‘being’. I’ve known ‘becoming’, and with this is final stage of surrender, I farewell the world of ‘becoming’, to remain an expression of a ‘being’ in surrender. Whatever ‘becomes’ of this ‘being’, I accept with gratitude 😊🙏🏻 I keep the peace I have longed for all my life. It is not an escape …

For where can I go. All the worlds are in this world. Life still goes on. Celebrating the gift of love that I’ve found. I remain a watcher of my breath & the watcher of the world too. ‘Being’ an expression of a life in surrender.

Closing words  

Bhagwan says, ‘the same people, or the same situation with different people repeats in different ways again & again until we see what existence is trying to show us of our own patterns in that repeated experience.’ 

This morning, my mother was nagging me again. Saying, ‘I don’t like how you’ve made this statement. It’s missing this that and the other. You should make statements for everyone to understand, not just you.’ She’s right, yet it is a statement that no one else but me is going to refer to and see. So as long as it serves the purpose. But I don’t argue with her no more. I don’t repeat the pattern, so we don’t fight. I said, ‘okay mom. Will have it to you in a couple days.’

She heard what I didn’t say & said, ‘I am just making you ‘do’ this out of my own stubbornness.’ I said, ‘I know. It is your love language. Make me ‘do’ all that you can, for when Bhagwan takes me deeper into the unknown, and there is no more ‘I’ to ‘do’ no more, what will you ‘do’ mommy? 😊 I don’t know how to control life, I’m certain it cannot be controlled either. I don’t even understand pace; sometimes life is fast, sometimes it is slow; I just go with the flow. I understand moving with life as it comes, as it moves me.

My surrender – It is not an escape, it is not a lack of effort. It is only effort when & where it is called for. Surrender is only an acceptance that ‘I am not’ the doer, yet the ‘doing’ is. To me it is not philosophy, it is Krishna consciousness. A way of life. I’m here, living in this very world, in peace and surrender to the mystery life is. I watch myself & the world but I have no-thing left to ‘become’. There is no split between ‘being’ & ‘becoming’. It is all just a ‘being’ now. In surrendering this life long struggle between ‘being’ & ‘becoming, I have accepted myself. I have come home 😊🙏🏻 A little tired, actually exhausted but home 🏡❤️

‘in surrendering that which is most precious to me, I am freed from myself. The part of myself that is attached to the struggle to become peaceful. Because peace cannot be found, it can only be claimed in the ‘now’, in my ‘being’. 

MaPJ